Subject: Jono Bacon, Dealing With Disrespect

Date: Tue, 19 May 2015 19:24:58 +0200

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<center>
<p><i>Dealing With Disrespect</i> is also available in these formats:</p>
<a href=3D3D3D3D3D"http://dealingwithdisrespect.com/jonobacon-dealingwithdi=
sr=3D
es=3D3D
pe=3D3D3D
ct=3D3D3D3D
-1ed.pdf" class=3D3D3D3D3D"woo-sc-button  silver" ><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"w=
oo-d=3D
ownl=3D3D
oad"=3D3D3D
>Dow=3D3D3D3D
nload PDF</span></a>
<a href=3D3D3D3D3D"http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00K2EWNWM" class=3D3D3D3D3D"wo=
o-sc=3D
-but=3D3D
ton =3D3D3D
 sil=3D3D3D3D
ver" ><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"woo-download">Kindle Version</span></a>
</center>
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<div class=3D3D3D3D3D"book"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h1 =
clas=3D
s=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D"t=3D3D3D
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<a id=3D3D3D3D3D"dealing_with_disrespect"></a>Dealing With Disrespect</h1><=
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><=3D3D3D
di=3D3D3D3D
v><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"subtitle">Handling your critics, no matter what they=
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 a=3D3D3D3D
t you</h2></div><div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"author"><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"aut=
hor"=3D
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an c=3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"firstname">Jono</span> <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"surname">Bacon</s=
pan>=3D
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de c=3D3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D3D"email">&lt;<a class=3D3D3D3D3D"email" href=3D3D3D3D3D"mailt=
o:jono=3D
@jonob=3D3D
acon.o=3D3D3D
rg">jo=3D3D3D3D
[email-masked]</a>&gt;</code></div></div><div><p class=3D3D3D3D3D"copyrig=
ht=3D
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Co=3D3D3D
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right =3D3D3D3DC2=3D3D3D3DA9 2014 Jono Bacon</p></div><div><div class=3D3D3=
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legaln=3D3D
otice"=3D3D3D
><a id=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"idp43475644"></a><p>This book is licensed under the <span class=
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=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"=3D3D3D
emph=3D3D3D3D
asis"><em>Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike</em></span>=
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=3D3D3D
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 license.</p><p>This license allows you to freely download the book and sha=
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=3D3D3D
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re it with your friends. The license also allows you to freely copy content=
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 from the book and share it with others or in other (non-commercial) docume=
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nts under the requirement that you credit the work to <span class=3D3D3D3D3=
D"=3D
em=3D3D
ph=3D3D3D
as=3D3D3D3D
is"><em>Dealing With Disrespect by Jono Bacon</em></span>.</p><p>The licens=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e does not allow you to commercially redistribute the book. If you would li=
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ke to do so, please get in touch with me at [email-masked].</p><p>Get t=
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=3D3D3D
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he latest updates to this book at <a class=3D3D3D3D3D"ulink" href=3D3D3D3D3=
D"ht=3D
tp:/=3D3D
/www=3D3D3D
.dea=3D3D3D3D
lingwithdisrespect.com" target=3D3D3D3D3D"_top">http://www.dealingwithdisre=
sp=3D
ec=3D3D
t.=3D3D3D
co=3D3D3D3D
m</a></p></div></div><div><p class=3D3D3D3D3D"pubdate">2014</p></div></div>=
<h=3D
r =3D3D
/>=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"dedication"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div=
><di=3D
v><h=3D3D
1 cl=3D3D3D
ass=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"idp43809452"></a>Dedication</h1></div><=
/div=3D
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iv><=3D3D3D
p>
This book is dedicated to our boy, Jack, who always keeps life in perspecti=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ve.
</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><p><strong>Table of Contents</strong><=
/p=3D
><=3D3D
dl=3D3D3D
 c=3D3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D=
"#intr=3D
oducti=3D3D
on">1.=3D3D3D
 Intro=3D3D3D3D
duction</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D=
3D3D=3D
3D3D=3D3D
"#co=3D3D3D
pilo=3D3D3D3D
t">Introducing Your Co-pilot</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect=
1"=3D
><=3D3D
a =3D3D3D
hr=3D3D3D3D
ef=3D3D3D3D3D"#venomous_words">Venomous Words</a></span></dt><dt><span clas=
s=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"sec=3D3D3D3D
t1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#this_book">This Book</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><sp=
an=3D
 c=3D3D
la=3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#book_is">What This Book Is</a></span=
></d=3D
t><d=3D3D
t><s=3D3D3D
pan =3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#book_isnt">What This Book Isn&#=
8217=3D
;t</=3D3D
a></=3D3D3D
span=3D3D3D3D
></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#how_t=
his_=3D
book=3D3D
_wor=3D3D3D
ks">=3D3D3D3D
How This Book Works</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a hre=
f=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"#fr=3D3D3D3D
eedoms">Your Freedoms With This Book</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3=
D3=3D
D"=3D3D
se=3D3D3D
ct=3D3D3D3D
1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#support_the_book">Support The Book</a></span></dt><d=
t>=3D
<s=3D3D
pa=3D3D3D
n =3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#acknowledgements">Acknowledgeme=
nts<=3D
/a><=3D3D
/spa=3D3D3D
n></=3D3D3D3D
dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#agreea=
ble_=3D
disa=3D3D
gree=3D3D3D
able=3D3D3D3D
_unacceptable">2. Diagnosing Discourse</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span cla=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#some_examples">Some Examples</a></=
span=3D
></d=3D3D
t><d=3D3D3D
d><d=3D3D3D3D
l><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#agreeable">Agreeabl=
e</a=3D
></s=3D3D
pan>=3D3D3D
</dt=3D3D3D3D
><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#disagreeable">Disagr=
eeab=3D
le</=3D3D
a></=3D3D3D
span=3D3D3D3D
></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#understanding_r=
egul=3D
arit=3D3D
y">U=3D3D3D
nder=3D3D3D3D
standing Regularity</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a hre=
f=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"#un=3D3D3D3D
acceptable">Unacceptable</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3=
D"=3D
se=3D3D
ct=3D3D3D
1"=3D3D3D3D
><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#in_conclusion">In Conclusion</a></span></dt><dt><span =
cl=3D
as=3D3D
s=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#moving_forward">Moving Forward</a></span></dt><=
/d=3D
l>=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
dd=3D3D3D3D
><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#human_ingredients"=
>3. =3D
Huma=3D3D
n In=3D3D3D
gred=3D3D3D3D
ients</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D=
3D3D=3D
3D"#=3D3D
age"=3D3D3D
>Age=3D3D3D3D
</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#gende=
r">G=3D
ende=3D3D
r</a=3D3D3D
></s=3D3D3D3D
pan></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#cultural_inf=
luen=3D
ces"=3D3D
>Cul=3D3D3D
tura=3D3D3D3D
l Influences</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3=
D3D3=3D
D"#s=3D3D
ocia=3D3D3D
l_sk=3D3D3D3D
ills">Social Skills</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a hre=
f=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"#ex=3D3D3D3D
perience">Experience</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a hr=
ef=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"#p=3D3D3D3D
sychogical_factors">Psychological Factors</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#stress">Stress</a></span></dt><=
dt><=3D
span=3D3D
 cla=3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#burnout">Burnout</a></span></dt><dt>=
<spa=3D
n cl=3D3D
ass=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"s=3D3D3D3D
ect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#coping">Coping With Stress and Burnout</a></span>=
</=3D
dt=3D3D
><=3D3D3D
dt=3D3D3D3D
><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#personality_problems">Pe=
rson=3D
alit=3D3D
y/So=3D3D3D
cial=3D3D3D3D
 Problems</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a hre=
f=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"#ne=3D3D3D3D
eds">Needs</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=
=3D
=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"=3D3D3D
#val=3D3D3D3D
idation">Validation</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a hre=
f=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"#in=3D3D3D3D
formation">Information</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a =
hr=3D
ef=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D3D
#access">Access</a></span></dt></dl></dd></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D=
3D=3D
"c=3D3D
ha=3D3D3D
pt=3D3D3D3D
er"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#the_medium">4. The Medium</a></span></dt><dd><dl><d=
t>=3D
<s=3D3D
pa=3D3D3D
n =3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#anonymity">Anonymity</a></span>=
</dt=3D
><dt=3D3D
><sp=3D3D3D
an c=3D3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#cultural_social_norms">Cultural =
and =3D
Soci=3D3D
al N=3D3D3D
orms=3D3D3D3D
</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#rhyth=
m_an=3D
d_ca=3D3D
denc=3D3D3D
e">R=3D3D3D3D
hythm and Cadence</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapt=
er=3D
">=3D3D
<a=3D3D3D
 h=3D3D3D3D
ref=3D3D3D3D3D"#relationships">5. Your Relationship With Others</a></span><=
/d=3D
t>=3D3D
<d=3D3D3D
d>=3D3D3D3D
<dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#influence">Influe=
nce =3D
and =3D3D
why =3D3D3D
Peop=3D3D3D3D
le Care</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D=
"#pe=3D
rcep=3D3D
tion=3D3D3D
">Pe=3D3D3D3D
rception vs. Reality</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a hr=
ef=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"#f=3D3D3D3D
ear">Fear and Paranoia</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a =
hr=3D
ef=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D3D
#patterns">Patterns and Reputation</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3=
D"=3D
se=3D3D
ct=3D3D3D
1"=3D3D3D3D
><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#ego">Ego</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D=
3D3D=3D
3D"c=3D3D
hapt=3D3D3D
er">=3D3D3D3D
<a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#code">6. Creating our Code</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><=
sp=3D
an=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#grounded">Becoming Well Grounded</=
a></=3D
span=3D3D
></d=3D3D3D
t><d=3D3D3D3D
t><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#accuracy">Accuracy</a><=
/spa=3D
n></=3D3D
dt><=3D3D3D
dd><=3D3D3D3D
dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#perspective">Keep =
Thin=3D
gs i=3D3D
n Pe=3D3D3D
rspe=3D3D3D3D
ctive</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#=
evid=3D
ence=3D3D
">Le=3D3D3D
t Ev=3D3D3D3D
idence be Your Guide</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a hr=
ef=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"#r=3D3D3D3D
ead">Read People</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"=
><=3D
a =3D3D
hr=3D3D3D
ef=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"#conduct">Conduct</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D=
3D3D=3D
"sec=3D3D
t2">=3D3D3D
<a h=3D3D3D3D
ref=3D3D3D3D3D"#classy">Stay Classy</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D=
3D"s=3D
ect2=3D3D
"><a=3D3D3D
 hre=3D3D3D3D
f=3D3D3D3D3D"#time">Value Your Time</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span clas=
s=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"sec=3D3D3D3D
t1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#responsibility">Responsibility</a></span></dt><dd><=
dl=3D
><=3D3D
dt=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#accountable">Be Accountabl=
e</a=3D
></s=3D3D
pan>=3D3D3D
</dt=3D3D3D3D
><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#empathy">Have Empath=
y</a=3D
></s=3D3D
pan>=3D3D3D
</dt=3D3D3D3D
></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#in_summary=
">In=3D
 Sum=3D3D
mary=3D3D3D
</a>=3D3D3D3D
</span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><a href=3D3D3D3D3=
D"#p=3D
ulli=3D3D
ng_t=3D3D3D
oget=3D3D3D3D
her_the_threads">7. Pulling Together The Threads</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#onwards">Onwards and Upw=
ards=3D
</a>=3D3D
</sp=3D3D3D
an><=3D3D3D3D
/dt></dl></dd></dl></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><div class=3D3D3D3D=
3D"t=3D
itle=3D3D
page=3D3D3D
"><d=3D3D3D3D
iv><div><h1 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"introduction"></a>Chap=
ter =3D
1. I=3D3D
ntro=3D3D3D
duct=3D3D3D3D
ion</h1></div></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><p><strong>Table of Co=
nt=3D
en=3D3D
ts=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
strong></p><dl class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a h=
ref=3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D
3D"#co=3D3D3D
pilot"=3D3D3D3D
>Introducing Your Co-pilot</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"=
><=3D
a =3D3D
hr=3D3D3D
ef=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"#venomous_words">Venomous Words</a></span></dt><dt><span class=
=3D3D=3D
3D3D=3D3D
3D"s=3D3D3D
ect1=3D3D3D3D
"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#this_book">This Book</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span=
 c=3D
la=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#book_is">What This Book Is</a></span=
></d=3D
t><d=3D3D
t><s=3D3D3D
pan =3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#book_isnt">What This Book Isn&#=
8217=3D
;t</=3D3D
a></=3D3D3D
span=3D3D3D3D
></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#how_t=
his_=3D
book=3D3D
_wor=3D3D3D
ks">=3D3D3D3D
How This Book Works</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a hre=
f=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"#fr=3D3D3D3D
eedoms">Your Freedoms With This Book</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3=
D3=3D
D"=3D3D
se=3D3D3D
ct=3D3D3D3D
1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#support_the_book">Support The Book</a></span></dt><d=
t>=3D
<s=3D3D
pa=3D3D3D
n =3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#acknowledgements">Acknowledgeme=
nts<=3D
/a><=3D3D
/spa=3D3D3D
n></=3D3D3D3D
dt></dl></div><p><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Most people are good =
pe=3D
op=3D3D
le=3D3D3D
.<=3D3D3D3D
/em></span></p><p>Grab a post-it note and write those words down and stick =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
it on your wall. Doodle those words on your pencil case, make a wallpaper f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
or your computer with them, or write them on a piece of paper and put it in=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 your purse or wallet. Put them somewhere prominent that you will see every=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 day, wherever you may be.</p><p>Good people do good things. They create th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ings that make other people&#8217;s lives better, whether that is a song, a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 video, a joke, a game, a job, a healthier lifestyle, a sense of safety, or=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 any one of a thousand other things. Good people contribute something of va=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lue to our society, and it strengthens us as individuals as well as a commu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nity.</p><p>One of the most wonderful aspects of having so many good people=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, is that we have so many different contributions to our society. Some cont=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ributions look like Battlefield 4, some like Lady Gaga, some like Hello Kit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ty, some like Modern China Bistro. In a society with a rich patchwork of co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ntributions it is human nature that we will all have different ideas of whi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ch of those contributions we consider to be valuable and which are not.</p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<p>Within this society of things it is easy for us to forget that <span cla=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>good people</em></span> create those things.</p=
><=3D
p>=3D3D
Th=3D3D3D
is=3D3D3D3D
 book is about helping us to focus on good people creating good things, to =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
preserve that spirit of sharing, and to protect against those whose primary=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 contribution is obstruction and disrespect.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1=
">=3D
<d=3D3D
iv=3D3D3D
 c=3D3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D=
3D3D3D=3D
"clear=3D3D
: both=3D3D3D
"><a i=3D3D3D3D
d=3D3D3D3D3D"copilot"></a>Introducing Your Co-pilot</h2></div></div></div><=
p>=3D
Be=3D3D
fo=3D3D3D
re=3D3D3D3D
 we get started I should probably introduce myself.</p><p>My name is Jono a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd I am an Englishman living in California in the USA. I moved here to live=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 with my beautiful wife, Erica, and we have subsequently had a wonderful li=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ttle boy called Jack.</p><p>Over the last fourteen years or so I have devel=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
oped a passion for communities who get together, often using the Internet, =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
to create interesting things.</p><p>I first got interested in communities i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n 1998 when I discovered an entirely free Operating System for computers ca=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lled Linux. The basic notion of Linux is that people around the world, most=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ly of the nerdy persuasion, work together on the Internet to create a syste=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m that is shared by everyone.</p><p>As such, Bob in Indiana could contribut=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e something to the system today that could ultimately be shared by everyone=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 tomorrow. Likewise, I could contribute something tomorrow that everyone ca=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n benefit from the day after. Everyone is welcome to contribute if they hav=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e something of value to offer; the community is driven by individual contri=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
butions that combine to represent something much bigger than any individual=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 could create alone.</p><p>Now this is not a book about technology so I won=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
&#8217;t bore you with the details of how this works; all you need to know =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is that people take time away from their families and friends to contribute=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 their skills to make something that benefits the wider community.</p><p>Wh=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
en I first discovered this as a long-haired teenager in 1998, it absolutely=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 captivated me. The notion of people who are merely connected by the Intern=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
et working together to create something that everyone can share and consume=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 was mind-blowing to me. Without wishing to sound like an old fart, back in=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 1998 this was pretty much unheard of; all I heard back then, living in Eng=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
land, was the break-down of local communities and people not knowing their =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
neighbors. Little did I expect that communities would be thriving online an=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d creating interesting things together. Today this kind of sharing is far m=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ore commonplace.</p><p>Ever since that first introduction to the notion of =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
communities, I have devoted the majority of my professional life to learnin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g how to grow communities and help people to work together to create intere=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sting things.</p><p>Professionally, I have gone on to become a community ma=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nager for one of the largest communities in the world, Ubuntu, which has hu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ndreds of thousands of participants. I also provide consultancy services fo=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r many large organizations to help them grow internal and external communit=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ies. This has afforded me a fantastic opportunity not only to learn about g=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rowing communities but to also try different approaches and experiments in =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
getting people excited about putting their brick in the wall.</p><p>Outside=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 of work I have interests in music, podcasting, BBQ, and gaming, and with e=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ach of those interests I have created content and shared it with the wider =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
community. This has ranged from releasing albums, to long-running podcasts,=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to building websites for tracking BBQ cooks, to broadcasting my gaming. Wi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
th every one of these endeavors I have formed a community to be a part of g=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rowing, sharing, and enhancing the work that I started.</p><p>I have always=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 believed that great communities are part of being human and the knowledge =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
to grow them is something that should be shared freely so others can also c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
reate communities. To this end I wrote a book called <span class=3D3D3D3D3D=
"e=3D
mp=3D3D
ha=3D3D3D
si=3D3D3D3D
s"><em>The Art of Community</em></span> which is available to buy or free t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o download from <a class=3D3D3D3D3D"ulink" href=3D3D3D3D3D"http://www.artof=
comm=3D
unit=3D3D
yonl=3D3D3D
ine.=3D3D3D3D
org" target=3D3D3D3D3D"_top">http://www.artofcommunityonline.org</a>. I als=
o =3D
or=3D3D
ga=3D3D3D
ni=3D3D3D3D
ze community leadership events such as the annual <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"em=
ph=3D
as=3D3D
is=3D3D3D
">=3D3D3D3D
<em>Community Leadership Summit</em></span> to continue to further the art =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and science of working together.</p><p>The summary of all this is that I am=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a community management nerd who loves playing heavy metal, smoking ribs, t=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
alking about interesting things on podcasts, and multi-player gaming. But w=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hat has this got to do with anything?</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"=
><=3D
di=3D3D
v =3D3D3D
cl=3D3D3D3D
ass=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3=
D3D3D"=3D
clear:=3D3D
 both"=3D3D3D
><a id=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"venomous_words"></a>Venomous Words</h2></div></div></div><p>You=
 m=3D
ay=3D3D
 h=3D3D3D
av=3D3D3D3D
e subtly noticed in the biography that I just bored you all with that I wro=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
te a book on community management called <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><=
em=3D
>T=3D3D
he=3D3D3D
 A=3D3D3D3D
rt of Community</em></span>. This begs the rather obvious question of why I=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 have written this book, and why I need to write a book on this particular =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
subject.</p><p>Well, let me tell you a little story to set the scene.</p><p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
>When I was starting out in community management I wrote a fairly innocuous=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 blog post on my website at <a class=3D3D3D3D3D"ulink" href=3D3D3D3D3D"http=
://w=3D
ww.j=3D3D
onob=3D3D3D
acon=3D3D3D3D
.org" target=3D3D3D3D3D"_top">http://www.jonobacon.org</a>. Not long after,=
 I=3D
 r=3D3D
ec=3D3D3D
ei=3D3D3D3D
ved an awfully mean-spirited and nasty comment: personal, full of vitriol, =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and entirely unnecessary.</p><p>As soon as I read it I became very self-ref=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lective and worried that the statement may have represented the views of mo=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
re than that one individual. In doing so, I entirely failed to balance the =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
picture and consider the countless pleasant comments and wonderful email th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
at I received. My mind zoned in on the negative.</p><p>In the midst of all =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of this, I logged on to discover a message from my friend Christian Schalle=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockq=
uote=3D
"><p=3D3D
>Hey=3D3D3D
 Jon=3D3D3D3D
o. I saw that comment on your blog, you must be delighted!</p></blockquote>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
</div><p>When I asked in what possible dimension that comment would make me=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 happy, Christian responded with:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><blo=
ck=3D
qu=3D3D
ot=3D3D3D
e =3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>For someone to write that it means that the=
y =3D
ca=3D3D
re=3D3D3D
 w=3D3D3D3D
hat you think, so much so they felt the need to write it on your website. C=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ongratulations!</p></blockquote></div><p>In a strange and twisted way, Chri=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
stian was right. When people care about something, it will often inspire th=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
em to take great lengths to protect it from something they disagree with.</=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p><p>Given that I have a fairly public facing position in the software worl=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d and work for a company that has made some controversial decisions from ti=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
me to time, comments like that one on my blog were just the beginning.</p><=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p>In this role I am in a position of public representation for the company =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and the Ubuntu platform that the community and company builds. These contro=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
versial decisions were really pretty tame in the scheme of things; we were =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
not devouring the planet of oil, we were not breaking the law, subjecting t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he elderly to freezing temperatures, or impoverishing the poor&#8230;we wer=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e merely making technical decisions that some people disagreed with.</p><p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
>From the outset most people threw the &#8220;whatever&#8221; gang sign (th=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
r=3D3D3D3D
ee fingers up (&#8216;W&#8217;) and then slide them to the side (&#8216;E&#=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
8217;)) due to the fairly normal nature of software evolving, but to some o=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
f the vocal minority we were evil personified.</p><p>Some people in this vo=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cal minority used about every possible combination of words to tell me to g=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o screw myself, and for my employer to die in a fire. Some of these comment=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s were so fueled with invective you would have imagined that we had sprinkl=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed some razor-blades in their pet&#8217;s cat food for comedic effect, as o=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
pposed to deciding to simply make a set of technical choices they disagreed=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 with.</p><p>Consequently, over the years I have developed something of a t=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hick skin. This was not by choice; I needed to develop a thick skin to surv=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ive my path in life. If I was a wallflower I would never have been able to =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
succeed in my chosen career path&#8230;I would have left the path either du=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e to rampant insecurity or resentment of our critics.</p><p>Instead, I made=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a fairly conscious choice to manage how I process and interpret feedback f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rom others with one primary overriding goal:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"block=
qu=3D
ot=3D3D
e"=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>Exercise modesty with the praise=
, =3D
be=3D3D
 o=3D3D3D
pe=3D3D3D3D
n to the feedback, and resilient to the haters.</p></blockquote></div><p>Th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is has turned into a lifelong ambition and pursuit, and while I am certainl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y not perfect in responding this way in all cases, I am satisfied enough wi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
th my progress to feel like these efforts have made a substantive differenc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e, not just in my career, but in my life too.</p><p>While I am thankful for=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 being able to make these changes, I am intimately aware that the ability t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o do so was largely a result of my circumstances and the benefit of being t=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hrown into an active community that I bear a responsibility to. Unfortunate=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ly, most people don&#8217;t have the luxury of such circumstances.</p><p>He=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nce the inspiration for this book.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><d=
iv=3D
 c=3D3D
la=3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D=
3D"cle=3D
ar: bo=3D3D
th"><a=3D3D3D
 id=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"this_book"></a>This Book</h2></div></div></div><p>Over the years I have ha=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d the privilege of meeting so many beautiful individuals; people with incre=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dible talents, ideas, generosity, and creative ambitions for a better futur=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e.</p><p>Unfortunately, I have seen countless casualties of these good peop=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le who have shared great things online only to be subjected to mean-spirite=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d comments from others. These are not meek people afraid to be challenged&#=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
8230;but after a period of time of being repeatedly subjected to over-entit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
led, personalized, antagonistic comments they decide that it just isn&#8217=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
;t worth it and give up and do something else.</p><p><span class=3D3D3D3D3D=
"e=3D
mp=3D3D
ha=3D3D3D
si=3D3D3D3D
s"><em>Every single time</em></span> this <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis">=
<e=3D
m>=3D3D
re=3D3D3D
al=3D3D3D3D
ly</em></span> grinds my gears. For years I have been trying to figure out =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a way to improve the quality of our conduct, not just for my own communitie=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s, but as people in general, both on and offline.</p><p>Having explored thi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s in great depth, and seeking the counsel of many others whose work I respe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ct, the idealist in me has sadly come to the conclusion that there simply i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s no silver bullet to solve this problem. Fortunately, there are indeed <sp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
an class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>lots</em></span> of things that we can do=
 t=3D
o =3D3D
si=3D3D3D
gn=3D3D3D3D
ificantly move the needle in demanding fairer, more respectful discourse, i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rrespective of the opinions and ideas of those involved.</p><p>The solution=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 needs to come in many parts, each focusing on different pieces of the prob=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lem. We need clearly defined policies, good leaders who set a positive exam=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ple, open and welcoming communities, and other efforts to chisel out an exp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ected standard of conduct that is both respectful and welcoming to those wh=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o also engage respectfully.</p><p>I mentally break these efforts into two f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
airly-broad areas.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist"><ol class=3D3D3D3D=
3D"o=3D
rder=3D3D
edli=3D3D3D
st" =3D3D3D3D
type=3D3D3D3D3D"1"><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Community leaders and =
mana=3D
gers=3D3D
 can=3D3D3D
 wor=3D3D3D3D
k together to build processes, systems, and standards that encourage respon=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sible conduct.</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>We should equip ev=
er=3D
yo=3D3D
ne=3D3D3D
 w=3D3D3D3D
ith the skills to interpret, process, act on, and in some cases cope with t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he feedback and input consumers of our work give us.</p></li></ol></div><p>=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
The former is where much of the focus exists in the community management wo=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rld; setting firm guidelines around suitable conduct for those who particip=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ate in particular communities.</p><p>There are a few unfortunate limitation=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s in this work though. Even if we put in place the very best of these proce=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sses, systems, and standards, some people will slip through the net and cho=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ose to ignore those guidelines and expectations and demonstrate anti-social=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 behavior. In addition to this, such guidelines work well in crisply define=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d communities (e.g. such as Wikipedia), but for individual artists with a m=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ore general audience, it is difficult to define guidelines around how your =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
audience should share their feedback about your work.</p><p>While many comm=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
unities are fortunate enough to have leaders who can provide processes and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
standards of conduct, unfortunately, for the vast majority of people who ar=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e sharing their videos, songs, games, ideas, or otherwise, they don&#8217;t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 have the support and guidance to manage how we interpret feedback and crit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
icism.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><di=
v><d=3D
iv><=3D3D
h3 c=3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"book_is"></a>What This Book Is</h3></di=
v></=3D
div>=3D3D
</di=3D3D3D
v><p=3D3D3D3D
>My goal with this book is to provide guidance for managing, processing, an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d coping with anti-social feedback from consumers of your contributions.</p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
><p>In sharing this guidance, I will be framing it within my goal of &#8220=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
;exercise modesty with the praise, be open to the feedback, and resistant t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o the haters&#8221;. I hope that becomes your goal too.</p><p>While the foc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
us of being resistant to the haters is much of what we will cover here, exe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rcising modesty with praise and being open to feedback is <span class=3D3D3=
D3=3D
D3=3D3D
D"=3D3D3D
em=3D3D3D3D
phasis"><em>critical</em></span>.</p><p>If we become resistant to <span cla=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>all</em></span> feedback we risk being deaf to =
fa=3D
ir=3D3D
 a=3D3D3D
nd=3D3D3D3D
 reasonable perspectives that challenge us and get us out of our comfort zo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nes. Likewise, if we only read the praise and ignore all criticism, we risk=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 becoming arrogant and self-righteous. No one likes those people&#8230;even=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 those people.</p><p>As such, my goal here is to share some thoughts on bei=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ng resilient to the haters, but to also help you to enjoy the praise when y=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ou see it, and to use the reasonable criticism as a vehicle for personal gr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
owth. I believe that this combination of attributes makes us better people.=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><di=
v><d=3D
iv><=3D3D
h3 c=3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"book_isnt"></a>What This Book Isn&#8217=
;t</=3D
h3><=3D3D
/div=3D3D3D
></d=3D3D3D3D
iv></div><p>When I came up with the idea for this book, I knew it would be =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the hardest book I will ever write.</p><p>The complexity is not in what I w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ant this book to be, but in clarifying what this book is <span class=3D3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
"e=3D3D3D
mp=3D3D3D3D
hasis"><em>not intended to be</em></span>.</p><p>Suitably confused?</p><p>L=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
et me explain.</p><p>History has taught me that the topic of conduct and ho=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
w we interpret and manage it is thorny at best. Everyone has different idea=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s of what they consider to be appropriate conduct. What is acceptable to on=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e person may be considered unacceptable to someone else.</p><p>In those sit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
uations <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>neither person</em></span> is =
wr=3D
on=3D3D
g.=3D3D3D
 C=3D3D3D3D
onduct and the way in which we interpret it is in the eye of the beholder.<=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
/p><p>I categorize all commentary from all people in three buckets:</p><div=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist"><ol class=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist" type=3D3D3=
D3D3D"=3D
1"><li=3D3D
 class=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"li=3D3D3D3D
stitem"><p><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Agreeable</em></span> =3D3D=
3D3D=3D
E2=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D93 com=3D3D3D3D
ments that may be very positive or deeply critical, but are presented in a =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
way that is polite, respectful, and constructive.</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3=
D3=3D
D"=3D3D
li=3D3D3D
st=3D3D3D3D
item"><p><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Disagreeable</em></span> =3D3=
D3D3=3D
DE2=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D93 co=3D3D3D3D
mments that are rude and disrespectful, often resorting to name-calling, pe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tty commentary, and unfounded accusations.</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"lis=
ti=3D
te=3D3D
m"=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
p><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Unacceptable</em></span> =3D3D3D3DE2=
=3D3D3=3D
D3D80=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D93 c=3D3D3D
omments =3D3D3D3D
that are abusive and/or threatening. These comments should typically involv=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e stern moderation or in some cases, may require escalation to the authorit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ies.</p></li></ol></div><p>Everyone has different definitions of which comm=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ents fit into which categories, and this book is <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emp=
ha=3D
si=3D3D
s"=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
em>not</em></span> here to present a single formula of doing this; only you=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 be the judge of that. Instead I am providing a set of considerations and a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 code that you can use to help you make those decisions.</p><p>My goal here=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 is also not to teach you how to put up a force-field to tolerate <span cla=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</em></span> content; if someone is=
 b=3D
ei=3D3D
ng=3D3D3D
 a=3D3D3D3D
busive, you should take the appropriate action to find a way to prevent the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 abuse.</p><p>Likewise, the content provided here cannot exist in a vacuum.=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 Beautiful communities can only exist with a combination of practical guide=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lines and expectations of conduct, and what I am presenting here is just on=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e tool in helping people to manage their interactions with each other.</p><=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
/div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><d=
iv><=3D
div>=3D3D
<h2 =3D3D3D
clas=3D3D3D3D
s=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"how_this=
_book_=3D
works"=3D3D
></a>H=3D3D3D
ow Thi=3D3D3D3D
s Book Works</h2></div></div></div><p>This book is supposed to be <span cla=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>simple</em></span>.</p><p>It is designed to be =
an=3D
 e=3D3D
as=3D3D3D
y =3D3D3D3D
to read, short, and to the point primer for how to read and interpret feedb=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ack and communications that relate to your areas of interest.</p><p>It is i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ntended to be accessible and available to everyone. Whether you are creatin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g music, sharing videos, creating video games, writing software, protesting=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the government, running a business, or anything else, the aim is that this=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 book will be of some relevance to your work and interests.</p><p>Although =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the content here is primarily orientated around online communication, that =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is merely because it is a more common source of anti-social commentary. The=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 guidance and ideas presented here are equally applicable in face-to-face s=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cenarios.</p><p>My recommendation is that you read the book from start to f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
inish. It shouldn&#8217;t take too long, and the topics and ideas should be=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 fairly straightforward to absorb. I then recommend you wait a few weeks, g=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o about your life, and then read it again. This couple of weeks in-between =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
will provide lots of examples and content that will help to illustrate the =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
topics in the second reading.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div cl=
as=3D
s=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
3D"t=3D3D3D3D
itlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: bot=
h"><=3D
a id=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"free=3D3D3D3D
doms"></a>Your Freedoms With This Book</h2></div></div></div><p>As with my =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
other book, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>The Art of Community</em><=
/s=3D
pa=3D3D
n>=3D3D3D
, =3D3D3D3D
I believe that knowledge for how to create powerful communities is best sha=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
red freely with others. This is why this book, like <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"=
em=3D
ph=3D3D
as=3D3D3D
is=3D3D3D3D
"><em>The Art of Community</em></span>, is available freely under a Creativ=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e Commons license.</p><p>More specifically, this book is licensed under a <=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommerc=
ia=3D
l-=3D3D
Sh=3D3D3D
ar=3D3D3D3D
eAlike</em></span> license.</p><p>This license allows you to freely downloa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d the book and share it with your friends. The license also allows you to f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
reely copy content from the book and share it with others or in other (nonc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ommercial) documents under the requirement that you credit the work to <spa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Dealing With Disrespect by Jono Bacon</em>=
</=3D
sp=3D3D
an=3D3D3D
>.=3D3D3D3D
</p><p>The license does not allow you to commercially redistribute the book=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. I know, I know, some of you Creative Commons purists won&#8217;t like thi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s&#8230;but I feel my primary ethical responsibility is to give the content=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 away freely. If someone wants to make money from it, I want a piece of tha=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t pie for my family too; my son needs toys.</p><p>If you would like to comm=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ercially redistribute the book, please get in touch with me at jono@jonobac=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
on.org.</p><p>Importantly, a core goal with <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis=
">=3D
<e=3D3D
m>=3D3D3D
De=3D3D3D3D
aling With Disrespect</em></span> is that it becomes a useful tool for thos=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e who are feeling down-trodden by anti-social commentary and feedback. My h=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ope is that when you see someone feeling that way, you can share the book w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ith them and it helps them put things in perspective.</p></div><div class=
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3=
D3D3D3=3D
D"titl=3D3D
e" sty=3D3D3D
le=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D3D
clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"support_the_book"></a>Support The Book</h2></=
di=3D
v>=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
di=3D3D3D3D
v></div><p>Although the book is entirely free to download and share with ot=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hers, you can also support the book by encouraging others to download it an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d share it too. The more people who read <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><=
em=3D
>D=3D3D
ea=3D3D3D
li=3D3D3D3D
ng With Disrespect</em></span> and find it useful, the better.</p><p>You ca=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n also throw a few extra toys in my son&#8217;s bedroom by contributing a d=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
onation at <a class=3D3D3D3D3D"ulink" href=3D3D3D3D3D"http://www.dealingwit=
hdis=3D
resp=3D3D
ect.=3D3D3D
com"=3D3D3D3D
 target=3D3D3D3D3D"_top">http://www.dealingwithdisrespect.com</a> if you fi=
nd=3D
 t=3D3D
he=3D3D3D
 b=3D3D3D3D
ook useful. Feel free to just donate whatever you can afford; whatever feel=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s comfortable to you. Thanks!</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div cl=
as=3D
s=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
3D"t=3D3D3D3D
itlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: bot=
h"><=3D
a id=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"ackn=3D3D3D3D
owledgements"></a>Acknowledgements</h2></div></div></div><p>Before we get g=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
oing I just want to thank some folks for their continued support of my work=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, and more specifically, for helping this book to go from an idea to someth=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing you are reading right now.</p><p>Thanks to my wife, Erica, Andy Oram, S=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tuart Langridge, my parents, Elizabeth Krumbach Joseph, Mike Shinoda, Sam H=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ulick, Guy Martin, Neil Levine, and many others who I have undoubtedly miss=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed off.</p></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D=
"tit=3D
lepa=3D3D
ge">=3D3D3D
<div=3D3D3D3D
><div><h1 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"agreeable_disagreeable_u=
nacc=3D
epta=3D3D
ble"=3D3D3D
></a=3D3D3D3D
>Chapter 2. Diagnosing Discourse</h1></div></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3=
D"=3D
to=3D3D
c"=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
p><strong>Table of Contents</strong></p><dl class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><dt><span=
 c=3D
la=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#some_examples">Some Examples</a></sp=
an><=3D
/dt>=3D3D
<dd>=3D3D3D
<dl>=3D3D3D3D
<dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#agreeable">Agreeable<=
/a><=3D
/spa=3D3D
n></=3D3D3D
dt><=3D3D3D3D
dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#disagreeable">Disagree=
able=3D
</a>=3D3D
</sp=3D3D3D
an><=3D3D3D3D
/dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#understanding_reg=
ular=3D
ity"=3D3D
>Und=3D3D3D
erst=3D3D3D3D
anding Regularity</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=
=3D3D=3D
3D3D=3D3D
3D"#=3D3D3D
unac=3D3D3D3D
ceptable">Unacceptable</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"=
se=3D
ct=3D3D
1"=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#in_conclusion">In Conclusion</a></span></dt><dt><span cl=
as=3D
s=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
3D"s=3D3D3D3D
ect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#moving_forward">Moving Forward</a></span></dt></d=
l>=3D
</=3D3D
di=3D3D3D
v>=3D3D3D3D
<p>Let&#8217;s get started by delving into the nuts of bolts of how we comm=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
unicate and which key ingredients are present in every communication.</p><p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
>The world is filled with different ways of communicating. Face to face dis=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cussion, sign-language, email, website comments, blog posts, video chats, p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hone calls, tweets, and more. We are not going to cover the details of how =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
these different mediums of communication compare to each other&#8230;it doe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sn&#8217;t matter.</p><p>What does matter is that each individual communica=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tion shared on one of these mediums has the same four key ingredients:</p><=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
div class=3D3D3D3D3D"variablelist"><dl class=3D3D3D3D3D"variablelist"><dt><=
span=3D
 cla=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"te=3D3D3D3D
rm">Content</span></dt><dd><p>The payload of a communication; the main poin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t, message, or details that the communication is designed to deliver.</p></=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"term">Tone</span></dt><dd><p>The choice of wo=
rd=3D
s,=3D3D
 b=3D3D3D
od=3D3D3D3D
y language, or vocalization that is used to express that content.</p></dd><=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"term">Sender</span></dt><dd><p>The person who is =
at=3D
 t=3D3D
he=3D3D3D
 o=3D3D3D3D
ther end of the line who is sending out the communication. This person has =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a wide range of attributes; age, ethnicity, gender, experience, social skil=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ls, and more.</p></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"term">Context</span></dt><=
dd=3D
><=3D3D
p>=3D3D3D
Al=3D3D3D3D
l communications happen within a wider context. Was it in a debate, in an a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rgument, entirely out of the blue, was the sender just back from a trip and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 suffering from a short temper due to jet lag, or were you just back from a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 trip and suffering jet lag and said short temper?</p></dd></dl></div><p>Wh=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
enever we receive an individual nugget of communication from someone, be it=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a comment on a phone call, an email, an instant message, someone leaning o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ver and speaking to you at your desk&#8230;we process the communication and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 interpret each of these four different ingredients with differing levels o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
f priority.</p><p>It is this cocktail of ingredients that helps us interpre=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t the communication and file it into one of our three buckets; <span class=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>agreeable</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emp=
hasi=3D
s"><=3D3D
em>d=3D3D3D
isag=3D3D3D3D
reeable</em></span>, or <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</=
em=3D
><=3D3D
/s=3D3D3D
pa=3D3D3D3D
n>.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><=
div>=3D
<h2 =3D3D
clas=3D3D3D
s=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"some_examples"></a>S=
ome =3D
Exam=3D3D
ples=3D3D3D
</h2=3D3D3D3D
></div></div></div><p>Now as I said earlier, it is up to you to make your o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
wn determination of which buckets the communications you receive go in; the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
re is no formula or algorithm that universally applies to all communication=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s for everyone.</p><p>To get us started though, let&#8217;s run through a f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ew examples of how I would interpret different communications and how these=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 different attributes apply.</p><p>To provide some context for these exampl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
es, let&#8217;s imagine that I am a musician who has just released a new al=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
bum called <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Let&#8217;s Ride</em></span=
> =3D
on=3D3D
li=3D3D3D
ne=3D3D3D3D
 and I have received some feedback from different people.</p><div class=3D3=
D3=3D
D3=3D3D
D3=3D3D3D
D"=3D3D3D3D
sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"titl=
e"><=3D
a id=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"agre=3D3D3D3D
eable"></a>Agreeable</h3></div></div></div><p>Let&#8217;s start with a clos=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e friend who is an avid music fan who posts this entirely out of nowhere:</=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote=
"><p=3D
>&#8=3D3D
220;=3D3D3D
I th=3D3D3D3D
ink you made a real mistake with Let&#8217;s Ride. I don&#8217;t think it r=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
eflects well on you&#8221;.</p></blockquote></div><p>In terms of the conten=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t, this communication is pretty limited; it simply demonstrates disapproval=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. Importantly, the tone is respectful. Criticism doesn&#8217;t equate to di=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
srespect and very poignant critical feedback can be expressed respectfully;=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 here it is non-abusive although the content is rather generic. Given the f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
act that the sender is a close friend and they have experience with music a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd the context was passive and not in a conflict scenario, I would evaluate=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 this feedback more seriously than most and follow up with the friend to fi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd out more details about what specifically they think doesn&#8217;t reflec=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t well on me. Let&#8217;s file this in <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em=
>a=3D
cc=3D3D
ep=3D3D3D
ta=3D3D3D3D
ble</em></span>.</p><p>Let&#8217;s now imagine that in the same context the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 same comment was made by a random stranger who is seemingly outside of my =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
target audience for the music (such as a random person on Twitter):</p><div=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>&=
#822=3D
0;I =3D3D
thin=3D3D3D
k yo=3D3D3D3D
u made a real mistake with Let&#8217;s Ride. I don&#8217;t think it reflect=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s well on you&#8221;.</p></blockquote></div><p>Given that the content is qu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ite generic and lacks detail but the tone is respectful, I would also ask f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
or more details about what the issue is. Sure, the sender is unknown and mi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ght not know my style, but they may have some valuable feedback that is wor=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
th drilling into; sometimes the most remarkable life lessons can come from =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
complete strangers. Importantly, the tone is respectful and non-abusive so =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
it is worth following up. Let&#8217;s file this in <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"e=
mp=3D
ha=3D3D
si=3D3D3D
s"=3D3D3D3D
><em>acceptable</em></span> too.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div=
 c=3D
la=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D=
3D"dis=3D
agreea=3D3D
ble"><=3D3D3D
/a>Dis=3D3D3D3D
agreeable</h3></div></div></div><p>Let&#8217;s now assume that another rand=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
om person I don&#8217;t know personally who is outside of my target audienc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e sends this, entirely out of nowhere:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"=
><=3D
bl=3D3D
oc=3D3D3D
kq=3D3D3D3D
uote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>&#8220;Let&#8217;s Ride is an utter pi=
ec=3D
e =3D3D
of=3D3D3D
 s=3D3D3D3D
hit. You need to pack up your guitar and go flip burgers!&#8221;</p></block=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
quote></div><p>The content of this communication clearly demonstrates lack =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of approval, but is still very unspecific about what they dislike about my =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
record. The tone is quite rude and disrespectful, and the context appears t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o be passive (not the result of an argument, for example). Given the tone a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd the fact I don&#8217;t know the person and they are outside of my target=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 audience, I would ignore this. It is trolling&#8230;don&#8217;t engage, ju=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
st ignore and enjoy your life. Let&#8217;s file this in <span class=3D3D3D3=
D3=3D
D"=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
ph=3D3D3D3D
asis"><em>disagreeable</em></span>; it is quite rude and disparaging, but i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t is not abusive or threatening.</p><p>Now, what if someone I know and resp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ect said the same thing? In those cases it is easy to dwell on that person =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hating your work, particularly if they inspire you, and it is also easy to =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
be defensive and tell them where they can shove their feedback (spoiler ale=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rt: the sun doesn&#8217;t shine there).</p><p>The trick here is to determin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e the attributes of the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></s=
pa=3D
n>=3D3D
 a=3D3D3D
nd=3D3D3D3D
 the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>context</em></span>.</p><p>As an =
ex=3D
am=3D3D
pl=3D3D3D
e,=3D3D3D3D
 let&#8217;s assume I work for a large insurance company and the sender is =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
an executive who has a reputation for being brash with people. In this case=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 I would chalk the tone down to his approach to communicating and likely th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
at few people challenge him on it. Now, I am not suggesting that way of com=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
municating is OK and tolerable (that&#8217;s life, some people are like tha=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t), but it probably means the tone was not as personally targeted to me as =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
I may have originally thought.</p><p>Let&#8217;s now assume the person is a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nother musician I respect but who has just got home from touring. They are =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
probably tired and have the post-tour blues (common with musicians) which m=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ight explain them being so brash too.</p><p>In both of these scenarios I wo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
uld file the communication in <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>disagree=
ab=3D
le=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
em=3D3D3D3D
></span>. Their tone is awful, but the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em=
>c=3D
on=3D3D
te=3D3D3D
xt=3D3D3D3D
</em></span> likely explains why. In these cases due to the nature of the s=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ender being someone of importance to me, I would also follow up with them i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n a polite and respectful fashion and ask them for more specific feedback a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
bout why they didn&#8217;t enjoy the album.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sideba=
r"=3D
><=3D3D
di=3D3D3D
v =3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"></div><p>Sam Hulick is a BAFTA nominated and NB=
C =3D
Ne=3D3D
ws=3D3D3D
 a=3D3D3D3D
ward winning composer for film, television and interactive media, best know=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n for creating the signature music for the Mass Effect and Baldur&#8217;s G=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ate video games.</p><p>As an artist contracted to produce music for game st=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
udios, receiving feedback is key part of his job. He shared with me how val=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
uable client feedback is to him:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><bloc=
kq=3D
uo=3D3D
te=3D3D3D
 c=3D3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>The most important feedback I ever get is fr=
om=3D
 m=3D3D
y =3D3D3D
cl=3D3D3D3D
ients. In that context, it&#8217;s really important to not ever take any cr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
iticism personally. I once got feedback on a piece of music that was someth=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing along the lines of &#8220;this sounds like Looney Tunes.&#8221; Though =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
it might be easy to take offense to that, you can&#8217;t. It&#8217;s stric=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tly business, and the client is trying to convey, as best they can, how a p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
iece of music sounds to them and point out its negative qualities so that y=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ou can focus on making corrections. Client feedback is a great way to encou=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rage an artist to push outside their safety zone and expand their horizons.=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
</p></blockquote></div><p>Sam&#8217;s approach to feedback and criticism do=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
es not just apply to clients. He sees art and how we consume it as a very p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ersonal thing and as such, our feedback and criticism is very personal too:=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquo=
te">=3D
<p>I=3D3D
 can=3D3D3D
&#82=3D3D3D3D
17;t really fault anyone for not liking my work! Art is highly subjective. =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
It&#8217;s all in how you decide to interpret criticism. A well-worded few =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sentences can often be taken at face value and can sometimes be helpful. A =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
simple &#8220;this sucks,&#8221; however, can either be interpreted as &#82=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
20;I&#8217;m not into this kind of music&#8221; or &#8220;I&#8217;m just he=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
re to pick on people and I have no constructive opinion.&#8221;</p></blockq=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
uote></div><p>As you can see, handling feedback and criticism is fundamenta=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lly about keeping a sense of <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>perspecti=
ve=3D
</=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
/span>; a common theme we will explore throughout the book.</p></div></div>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3=
 cla=3D
ss=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D
title"=3D3D3D3D
><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"understanding_regularity"></a>Understanding Regularity</h=
3>=3D
</=3D3D
di=3D3D3D
v>=3D3D3D3D
</div></div><p>Another consideration when assessing communications is the r=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ole of regularity. As an example, imagine someone who I don&#8217;t know ve=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ry well personally, constantly posts criticism on my website. Imagine this =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
person posted:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3=
D3D3=3D
D"bl=3D3D
ockq=3D3D3D
uote=3D3D3D3D
"><p>&#8220;Let&#8217;s Ride is another example of the poor quality work th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
at you put out time after time&#8221;.</p></blockquote></div><p>A lot of pe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ople who get continual streams of criticism often react defensively and in =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
some cases negatively. This is most typically because the <span class=3D3D3=
D3=3D
D3=3D3D
D"=3D3D3D
em=3D3D3D3D
phasis"><em>sender</em></span> is not someone they particularly respect and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>context</em></span> seems almost =
ta=3D
rg=3D3D
et=3D3D3D
ed=3D3D3D3D
, like someone is deliberately pushing your buttons.</p><p>Speaking persona=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lly, I try not to let this bother me if the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis=
">=3D
<e=3D3D
m>=3D3D3D
to=3D3D3D3D
ne</em></span> is polite and respectful, and particularly if there is good =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>content</em></span>. In many cases we =
ca=3D
n =3D3D
us=3D3D3D
e =3D3D3D3D
these cases as an opportunity for personal growth.</p><p>As one such exampl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e, there is a guy who I know who we shall call Buck to protect the innocent=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. <img src=3D3D3D3D3D"http://www.dealingwithdisrespect.com/wp-includes/imag=
es=3D
/s=3D3D
mi=3D3D3D
li=3D3D3D3D
es/icon_wink.gif" alt=3D3D3D3D3D";-)" class=3D3D3D3D3D"wp-smiley" /> </p><p=
>Buc=3D
k wo=3D3D
uld =3D3D3D
regu=3D3D3D3D
larly post comments on my blog with criticism of my employer, the work we w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ere doing, why we made particular decisions and more.</p><p>Buck had a very=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 definitive set of viewpoints and the two of us simply saw things different=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ly. Where I saw the company challenging the norm and innovating to build gr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
owth and focus in places we never had an opportunity to influence, Buck saw=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 us compromising the very fabric of the community we had worked so hard to =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nurture to achieve these goals.</p><p>Buck&#8217;s regularity and commitmen=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t to responding was admirable. Every post I made, whether on my blog, on va=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rious websites, articles and elsewhere, Buck was there with long and detail=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed comments criticizing our work and asking pointed questions. I would post=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 something and often within an hour the expected Buck response was there, a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s expected.</p><p>This regularity was so consistent that he started develop=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing something of a reputation and some felt he was a troll.</p><p>I tried t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o resist looking down on him for one key reason: almost every one of his co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mmunications was polite and respectful. They were deeply pointed and sharpl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y critical, but he always exercised respect and dignity for both sides of t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he discussion.</p><p>Breaking things down, I respected him as a <span class=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></span> =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3=
D93 he k=3D
new his =3D3D
stuff. I=3D3D3D
 didn&#8=3D3D3D3D
217;t agree with it, and I thought he was more paranoid than he needed to b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e, but his viewpoints were not without merit. His tone was always respectfu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
l, and I later discovered that the reason he wrote such long and detailed p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
osts was that he was often stationed in remote locations by his company and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 had plenty of time on his hands&#8230;hence the luxury of providing his th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
oughts in such exhaustive detail.</p><p>After about two years of this he wa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s in my local area and we met up for coffee. I was curious to see what he w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
as like and he turned out to be a genuinely awesome guy. He was fun, full o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
f energy, and different to what I expected. While his regularity of critici=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sm could have acted as an irritant, managing the situation ultimately resul=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ted in him becoming a friend.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div cl=
as=3D
s=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
3D"t=3D3D3D3D
itlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"unacceptab=
le">=3D
</a>=3D3D
Unac=3D3D3D
cept=3D3D3D3D
able</h3></div></div></div><p>Let&#8217;s now look at a more disappointing =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
example. Imagine a random person on a website said this:</p><div class=3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
3D=3D3D3D
"b=3D3D3D3D
lockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>&#8220;Your work is =
a =3D
pi=3D3D
ec=3D3D3D
e =3D3D3D3D
of shit, you fucking [insert racist term here]. If you don&#8217;t stop pro=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ducing this garbage I am going to come round to your house and cut you&#822=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
1;.</p></blockquote></div><p>In this example the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emp=
ha=3D
si=3D3D
s"=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
em>tone</em></span> of the communication vastly overshadows the <span class=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></span> and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emp=
hasi=3D
s"><=3D3D
em>c=3D3D3D
onte=3D3D3D3D
nt</em></span> of the message. It doesn&#8217;t matter who communicates som=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ething like this; it is entirely unacceptable.</p><p>The <span class=3D3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
"e=3D3D3D
mp=3D3D3D3D
hasis"><em>context</em></span> is an important consideration though: commun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ications like this often point to personality disorders or anger management=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 issues. I would naturally put this in the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"=
><=3D
em=3D3D
>u=3D3D3D
na=3D3D3D3D
cceptable</em></span> category but if I felt I could help, I might get in t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ouch with the poster and express a concern over the tone and ask them if th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ey are doing OK. In many cases this kind of conduct is a cry for help. If t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hey continued to threaten though, I would consider more formalized action; =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
we all have to draw the line somewhere.</p></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3=
D"=3D
se=3D3D
ct=3D3D3D
1"=3D3D3D3D
><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" sty=
le=3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D
D"clea=3D3D3D
r: bot=3D3D3D3D
h"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"in_conclusion"></a>In Conclusion</h2></div></div></div>=
<p=3D
>W=3D3D
ha=3D3D3D
t =3D3D3D3D
I hope these examples all illustrate is that you really do need to take int=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o consideration all four ingredients (<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>=
se=3D
nd=3D3D
er=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>content</em></span>, <span=
 c=3D
la=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>tone</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis=
"><e=3D
m>co=3D3D
ntex=3D3D3D
t</e=3D3D3D3D
m></span>) when evaluating each communication you receive. If we ignore som=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e of these ingredients, we don&#8217;t effectively apply objectivity to the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 communication, and this will bite us on the behind later.</p><p>More speci=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
fically, there are a lot of people in the world who are bombastic when reac=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ting to <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>tone</em></span>. We all know =
pe=3D
op=3D3D
le=3D3D3D
 l=3D3D3D3D
ike this; they see something they consider to be rude or personally jarring=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 and this is their justification to light the firework that results in a ma=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ssive argument.</p><p>To be frank, this is the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"empha=
si=3D
s"=3D3D
><=3D3D3D
em=3D3D3D3D
>easy way out</em></span>.</p><p>It is easy to only consider the tone and t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o ignore the other ingredients in the communication. This is the reason why=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 some teenagers often react this way; their brains have not yet been equipp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed with the experience that helps them to understand how to interpret commu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nications with all four ingredients. Don&#8217;t take the easy way out. It =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
will make you look like a teenager and this means you are going to have to =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
get a lame haircut and start listening to navel-gazing music.</p><p>If you =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
have traditionally only evaluated some of the four ingredients and not all =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of them, don&#8217;t worry. It will take some time and practice to get into=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the habit of assessing them all. You will get there, I assure you, but you=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 will need to mentally exercise yourself to assess all four ingredients, pa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rticularly in the most challenging of situations such as conflict scenarios=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, under pressure, or when you are tired.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sec=
t1=3D
">=3D3D
<d=3D3D3D
iv=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D=
3D3D3D=3D
3D"cle=3D3D
ar: bo=3D3D3D
th"><a=3D3D3D3D
 id=3D3D3D3D3D"moving_forward"></a>Moving Forward</h2></div></div></div><p>=
Be=3D
fo=3D3D
re=3D3D3D
 w=3D3D3D3D
e move on to explore methods of handling <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><=
em=3D
>d=3D3D
is=3D3D3D
ag=3D3D3D3D
reeable</em></span> and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</=
em=3D
><=3D3D
/s=3D3D3D
pa=3D3D3D3D
n> categories of communication, I want to explore the many different factor=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s that can influence our communication content and style and how these fact=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ors can often fuel anti-social behavior. The next few chapters will delve i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nto this.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"note" style=3D3D3D3D3D"margin-left: 0.5i=
n; m=3D
argi=3D3D
n-ri=3D3D3D
ght:=3D3D3D3D
 0.5in;"><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title">Note</h3><p>It may be tempting to skip=
 o=3D
ve=3D3D
r =3D3D3D
th=3D3D3D3D
ese next few chapters, but I strongly encourage that you resist that urge. =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
For us to refine how we manage communications it is essential that we know =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
some of the mechanics of what makes us human and how these ingredients can =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
influence our behavior. These chapters will provide this important backgrou=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd context for the wider book.</p></div></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"c=
ha=3D
pt=3D3D
er=3D3D3D
">=3D3D3D3D
<div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h1 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a i=
d=3D3D=3D
3D3D3D=3D3D
"human=3D3D3D
_ingre=3D3D3D3D
dients"></a>Chapter 3. Human Ingredients</h1></div></div></div><div class=
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><p><strong>Table of Contents</strong></p><dl class=3D3D3D3=
D3D"=3D
toc"=3D3D
><dt=3D3D3D
><sp=3D3D3D3D
an class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#age">Age</a></span></dt><dt>=
<spa=3D
n cl=3D3D
ass=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"s=3D3D3D3D
ect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#gender">Gender</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3=
D3D3=3D
D3D"=3D3D
sect=3D3D3D
1"><=3D3D3D3D
a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#cultural_influences">Cultural Influences</a></span></dt>=
<d=3D
t>=3D3D
<s=3D3D3D
pa=3D3D3D3D
n class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#social_skills">Social Skills<=
/a><=3D
/spa=3D3D
n></=3D3D3D
dt><=3D3D3D3D
dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#experience">Experience=
</a>=3D
</sp=3D3D
an><=3D3D3D
/dt>=3D3D3D3D
<dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#psychogical_factors">=
Psyc=3D
holo=3D3D
gica=3D3D3D
l Fa=3D3D3D3D
ctors</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D=
3D3D=3D
3D"#=3D3D
stre=3D3D3D
ss">=3D3D3D3D
Stress</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"=
#bur=3D
nout=3D3D
">Bu=3D3D3D
rnou=3D3D3D3D
t</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#copi=
ng">=3D
Copi=3D3D
ng W=3D3D3D
ith =3D3D3D3D
Stress and Burnout</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=
=3D
=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"=3D3D3D
#per=3D3D3D3D
sonality_problems">Personality/Social Problems</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#needs">Needs</a></span><=
/dt>=3D
<dd>=3D3D
<dl>=3D3D3D
<dt>=3D3D3D3D
<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#validation">Validation</a=
></s=3D
pan>=3D3D
</dt=3D3D3D
><dt=3D3D3D3D
><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#information">Information=
</a>=3D
</sp=3D3D
an><=3D3D3D
/dt>=3D3D3D3D
<dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#access">Access</a></s=
pan>=3D
</dt=3D3D
></d=3D3D3D
l></=3D3D3D3D
dd></dl></div><p>People are fragile creatures. We surround ourselves with b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ig buildings, cars, computers, and other modern conveniences. We have medic=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ine and hospitals. Our lives are interspersed with problems and often very =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
reachable solutions, and it can be easy to think there is a button we can p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ress to solve virtually any problem for us.</p><p>At our core though we are=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 naked people under all of this. We are big bags of blood, bones, and emoti=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ons with our own set of ingredients that describe who we are, and a set of =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
feelings that shape our world-view based on those ingredients.</p><p>Each o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
f these different ingredients play important roles in how we communicate an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d how these aspects of our lives affect our passion, decision-making, and f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
uture prospects.</p><p>Let&#8217;s take a look&#8230;</p><div class=3D3D3D3=
D3=3D
D"=3D3D
se=3D3D3D
ct=3D3D3D3D
1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" s=
tyle=3D
=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"cl=3D3D3D
ear: b=3D3D3D3D
oth"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"age"></a>Age</h2></div></div></div><p>Time is a key p=
ar=3D
t =3D3D
of=3D3D3D
 o=3D3D3D3D
ur lives. Our calendars, meetings, events, birthdays and other things are t=
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he marionettes that time keeps busy. As such, the aggregate of time, our ag=
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e, plays a key role in how we communicate.</p><p>Age is often used as an in=
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teresting label of both the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>perception=
</=3D
em=3D3D
><=3D3D3D
/s=3D3D3D3D
pan> and the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>reality</em></span> of ex=
pe=3D
ri=3D3D
en=3D3D3D
ce=3D3D3D3D
. As an example, we would all agree that a 9 year-old is likely to have a l=
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ot less life experience than a 45 year old. Likewise, we may consider a 30 =
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year-old to be at the cutting edge of technology but consider an 80 year-ol=
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d to be over the hill.</p><p>These considerations often apply to our percep=
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tion of the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></span> when as=
se=3D
ss=3D3D
in=3D3D3D
g =3D3D3D3D
a communication as well as how much actual experience they demonstrate with=
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in their communications.</p><p>Let&#8217;s look at <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"e=
mp=3D
ha=3D3D
si=3D3D3D
s"=3D3D3D3D
><em>perception</em></span> first.</p><p>As an example, imagine you are a 4=
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=3D3D3D3D
5 year-old who gets a very frustrated message from a 15 year-old lecturing =
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=3D3D3D3D
you on a recent decision you made. It could be tempting to reject their fee=
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=3D3D3D3D
dback with &#8220;what do they know, they are a kid!&#8221;. Likewise, if y=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ou are a 15 year-old teenager figuring out the world one day at a time, get=
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=3D3D3D3D
ting told you don&#8217;t know what you are talking about because you are a=
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=3D3D3D3D
 kid is quite possibly the most annoying thing ever. As such the mere ackno=
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wledgement of age can generate tension.</p><p>We should be careful here; th=
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=3D3D3D3D
ere are many smart and knowledgeable kids and many stupid and ignorant adul=
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ts, so try not to discriminate on age.</p><p>In terms of <span class=3D3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
"e=3D3D3D
mp=3D3D3D3D
hasis"><em>reality</em></span> though, there is indeed quite often a notice=
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=3D3D3D
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able gap of experience between two quite different ages. As I mentioned ear=
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lier, it is easy to assume a 9 year old is less experienced in a particular=
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 profession or skill than a 45 year old, but is there as much of a differen=
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ce between a 25 year old and a 45 year old? Well, the lines get blurred mor=
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e easily. The 25 year old could match on skills and knowledge but will like=
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=3D3D3D3D
ly lack life experience.</p><p>This is an important distinction. As an exam=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ple, you could be the best musician in the world who can play every scale a=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd song perfectly, but if you have never played in an active gigging band, =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
you lack the practical experience of being a musician in a touring capacity=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. This is the difference between skills and experience, and in many cases y=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ounger people lack the experience and don&#8217;t understand how much value=
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 that experience can bring to our perception.</p><p>This is not surprising.=
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 It is difficult to understand the value of life experience until you actua=
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lly&#8230;y&#8217;know&#8230;experience it. This is similar to how a lot of=
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 people say &#8220;you think you know what being a parent is going to be li=
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ke, but you really only get it when you actually have kids&#8221;. As one s=
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uch parent I can emphatically tell you this is true, despite how annoying i=
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t was to hear before we had Jack.</p><p>Age often relates to anti-social be=
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havior because in some cases there will be people who have the skills but b=
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oth lack the life experience and fail to understand the value of it. In the=
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se cases the individual often feels the possession of the skills is enough =
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but they don&#8217;t benefit from the world-view that this experience provi=
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des. Thus, conflict can brew.</p><p>As such, always strive to take age into=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 account when judging the sender in a communication. Don&#8217;t use age as=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a means to unfairly assume other attributes (e.g. maturity/knowledge), but=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 bear in mind that it may affect the assumptions and experience of the <spa=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></span> and as such their assum=
pt=3D
io=3D3D
ns=3D3D3D
 m=3D3D3D3D
ay be off-base as they are only seeing part of the picture. I try to use th=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ese cases as an opportunity to mentor as opposed to lecture those who lack =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the experience; this will grow a positive relationship as opposed to fuel a=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 negative one.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"=
titl=3D
epag=3D3D
e"><=3D3D3D
div>=3D3D3D3D
<div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D=
3D3D"g=3D
ender"=3D3D
></a>G=3D3D3D
ender<=3D3D3D3D
/h2></div></div></div><p>Gender is another attribute that plays an importan=
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t role in our communications, and typically in two areas: how the gender of=
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=3D3D3D3D
 another person influences our perception of them and how our own gender in=
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=3D3D3D3D
fluences our own actions.</p><p>In terms of the former, good people underst=
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and that gender should not play a discriminatory role, but unfortunately se=
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xism is still an issue we battle with today. Sadly, women typically see the=
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 brunt of this with sexism demonstrated typically either very directly with=
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=3D3D3D3D
 blatantly misogynistic comments (&#8220;hey!!1! show me your rack!&#8221;)=
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 or in a more subtle manner (&#8220;given that you are working within a man=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
&#8217;s industry, I wouldn&#8217;t expect you to understand&#8221;). Eithe=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r way, gender is acting as an unfair differentiating factor.</p><p>Rather u=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nsurprisingly, sexism can be a trigger of anti-social and combative comment=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ary, but it often isn&#8217;t as clear-cut as you&#8217;d imagine.</p><p>Su=
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re, in some cases someone is obviously being an idiot and delivering an una=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cceptable misogynistic comment, but there are also cases where conflict bre=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ws unintentionally.</p><p>First, not everyone has the same definition of wh=
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at &#8220;sexist&#8221; looks like. As an example, some may feel that refer=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ring to a woman as a &#8220;chick&#8221; might be degrading and sexist, but=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to others it isn&#8217;t. Some will draw their line somewhere in the middl=
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=3D3D3D3D
e of these two points.</p><p>Second, cultural experiences and age relate to=
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 gender too. It is not uncommon that members of an older generation end up =
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being unintentionally sexist because they come from an era in which men and=
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 women played quite different social roles. Likewise, comments from people =
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who were raised in a culture where women are treated as second-class citize=
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ns may also inadvertently appear sexist, despite their best intentions due =
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=3D3D3D3D
to their cultural upbringing. Of course, I am not condoning this behavior, =
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merely highlighting that the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</e=
m>=3D
</=3D3D
sp=3D3D3D
an=3D3D3D3D
> of the message may not realize they are being offensive. In these cases s=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ome constructive feedback to highlight the problem and recommending a more =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
appropriate way of communicating can help to improve things.</p><p>In other=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 words, judge the content of the person&#8217;s character and their intenti=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ons in addition to their choice of words. In some situations an uncomfortab=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le mix of age, culture, and sub-par articulation skills can make someone so=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
und like much more of a sexist monster than they really are.</p><p>The othe=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r aspect where gender can play a role is in how our gender affects our own =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
actions and goals.</p><p>Subconsciously, all of the human ingredients I am =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
covering in this chapter affect how we view the world and our confidence in=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 achieving our goals. Some people feel a lower level of confidence due to t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
heir gender.</p><p>An example of this are women who are trying to be succes=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sful in industries that are traditionally male dominated. No one comes out =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and ever tells you directly about these kinds of insecurities, so be mindfu=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
l that the person on the other end of the communication may be experiencing=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 this. This can affect both men and women.</p><p>It is important to always =
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remember that unless you have directly experienced discrimination, it is di=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
fficult to really imagine what it <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>feel=
s<=3D
/e=3D3D
m>=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
span> like. As an example, as a man I would never wish to claim I understan=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d what it feels like to be on the receiving end of misogyny; my assumption =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
does not necessarily map to reality.</p><p>When assessing communications, c=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
onsider these aspects carefully. Always treat people with equality and dign=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ity, and bear in mind how gender may affect the sender&#8217;s assumptions =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and expectations, and also how it can affect you as well.</p></div><div cla=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=
=3D3D3D3=3D
D3D"ti=3D3D
tle" s=3D3D3D
tyle=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"cultural_influences"></a>Cultural=
 Inf=3D
luen=3D3D
ces<=3D3D3D
/h2>=3D3D3D3D
</div></div></div><p>Culture is the completed jigsaw puzzle constructed fro=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m your upbringing, home life, where you have lived, your exposure to differ=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ent ideas, how much you have traveled and met people from other cultures, e=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tc. All of these pieces affect how we see the world and how we communicate =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
within it.</p><p>As one such example, I was born in England in North Yorksh=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ire (in the north of the country). I was raised in a largely rural setting =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
before moving to the south of England to a large village. I then moved to a=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 city to go to University before moving to California to live in an entirel=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y different country and culture. Throughout the latter part of this history=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 I have also traveled to over 25 countries as part of my work.</p><p>All of=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 these experiences have shaped me as a person. My early life experiences ha=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ve provided me with a sense of empathy for different people and perspective=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s. My experiences of moving when I was young and getting over the unsettlin=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g transition has given me the confidence to set goals and accomplish them. =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
My travel has helped me to understand different cultures and ideas. Through=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
out my life my parents have always instilled the value of &#8216;<span clas=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>the world is your oyster</em></span>&#8216; whic=
h =3D
ha=3D3D
s =3D3D3D
he=3D3D3D3D
lped me become an optimist with a positive sense of opportunity.</p><p>Like=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
wise, some aspects of my experience have had less rosy implications. I used=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to be rather jealous when I was younger, which I suspect was due to not da=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ting much as a kid due to a long term relationship, and thus being inexperi=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
enced. I also used to be a little unforgiving if I felt people were lazy, w=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hich I think is part of my presumed Northern heritage and culture of &#8220=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
;just get on with it&#8221;.</p><p>Starting my career in the public eye as =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a journalist and building a fairly public website also generated a bit too =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
much ego in me than I would have liked. Thankfully my best friend, Stuart, =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
helped me shake that demon (this is one of the reasons I write a lot about =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the risks of ego in my brilliant, fantastic, awesome, godly books. Oops.)</=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p><p>Each of these negative life experiences have affected my communication=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s over the years, thankfully less and less as I have got older. Always be m=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
indful that everyone you communicate with has their own insecurities and ro=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ugh edges that have shaped them as people and they may well be in a period =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of transition.</p><p>It can be tempting to write anti-social behavior off a=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s &#8220;that person is being a dick&#8221;, but remember, this is the <spa=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>easy way out</em></span>. In many cases th=
os=3D
e =3D3D
pe=3D3D3D
op=3D3D3D3D
le are a product of their environment, and it can be beneficial to reach ou=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t to them to help them over those bumps in the road. More often than not th=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ey know the problems exist, but are too embarrassed to ask for help.</p><p>=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
As such, always consider these cultural elements when assessing communicati=
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=3D3D3D
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ons and in particular, the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em>=
</=3D
sp=3D3D
an=3D3D3D
>.=3D3D3D3D
 Cultural experiences and a person&#8217;s background can heavily ingrain c=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ertain assumptions or approaches in a person, so being able to see these an=
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=3D3D3D3D
d take them into account is important. Sometimes it might not be logic spea=
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=3D3D3D3D
king, it may be ten years of sub-optimal upbringing or ingrained insecuriti=
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es speaking. Being aware of these elements can help to keep your frustratio=
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=3D3D3D3D
n at bay and keep things in perspective.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sec=
t1=3D
">=3D3D
<d=3D3D3D
iv=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D=
3D3D3D=3D
3D"cle=3D3D
ar: bo=3D3D3D
th"><a=3D3D3D3D
 id=3D3D3D3D3D"social_skills"></a>Social Skills</h2></div></div></div><p>I =
ha=3D
ve=3D3D
 s=3D3D3D
pe=3D3D3D3D
nt a significant chunk of my life working within a fairly technical communi=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ty. This community spans hundreds of thousands of people across many differ=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ent companies, projects, ideas, and goals. The vast majority of the discuss=
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=3D3D3D3D
ion here takes place online on email discussion lists, chat channels, socia=
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=3D3D3D3D
l media networks, and websites.</p><p>At times the conduct in this communit=
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=3D3D3D3D
y is heated at best and bloody horrible at worst. I have seen both the very=
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=3D3D3D3D
 best and very worst in people and when the latter end of the scale rears i=
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=3D3D3D3D
ts ugly head, it is often rather deplorable, particularly given that all th=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e anger is usually focused on&#8230;software choices.</p><p>Now, get ready =
=3D
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
to have your mind blown. Strap yourself in for a rocking spoiler alert&#823=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
0;</p><p>&#8230;quite a few people who use the Internet don&#8217;t have pa=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rticularly good social skills.</p><p>I know&#8230;pretty ground shaking, eh=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
?</p><p>In many conflict scenarios people presume that the person on the ot=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
her side of the connection is knowingly and deliberately being difficult an=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d causing problems. In many cases that person is simply not equipped with t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he social sophistication to handle that discussion, feedback, and context b=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
etter.</p><p>It reminds me of a guy who joined a community some years back.=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 He was excited and motivated to participate but at every step of the way h=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e caused problems.</p><p>It was a vicious cycle. He would release something=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 or make a blog post and when people left even the most minor of critical c=
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=3D3D3D3D
omments, he would explode at them. He would often join a perfectly civil de=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
bate and then ultimately get frustrated and tell people to go screw themsel=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ves. He was and continues to be tremendously talented and a wonderful contr=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ibutor, but was not equipped with the social skills to handle multiple pers=
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=3D3D3D3D
pectives in an online environment. Interestingly, face to face the same iss=
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=3D3D3D3D
ues didn&#8217;t happen.</p><p>I reached out to him one time to express my =
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=3D3D3D3D
concerns about his conduct and to offer a helping hand. I asked him about h=
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=3D3D3D3D
is life experiences and it became evident that he was a bit of a social out=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cast at school, rarely spent time with friends out of school, and he spent =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the majority of his life online. In other words: his entire world was the I=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nternet. He could turn it on and off when he chose to and did not consider =
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=3D3D3D3D
himself to be accountable to his actions as invariably he saw other people =
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=3D3D3D3D
as merely words on a screen as opposed to real people with thoughts, feelin=
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=3D3D3D3D
gs, and ideas.</p><p>After learning about his history I became more sympath=
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=3D3D3D
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etic to why he behaved in the way he did. He simply didn&#8217;t have the s=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ocial capabilities to guide him in many social situations.</p><p>Always rem=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ember that a lot of people have this issue, and again, age, culture, and ot=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
her attributes often combine to influence their communication style and ton=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e. Bear in mind that the angry person who is communicating with you may jus=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t not know how to talk to people. Also consider that <span class=3D3D3D3D3D=
"e=3D
mp=3D3D
ha=3D3D3D
si=3D3D3D3D
s"><em>you</em></span> may not have the best social skills either, and know=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing this can be a fantastic first step towards improving them.</p></div><di=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
v class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 cl=
ass=3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D
3D"tit=3D3D3D
le" st=3D3D3D3D
yle=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"experience"></a>Experience</h2=
></d=3D
iv><=3D3D
/div=3D3D3D
></d=3D3D3D3D
iv><p>An important aspect of life that can influence a person&#8217;s <span=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>content</em></span> and <span class=3D3D3D3=
D3D"=3D
emph=3D3D
asis=3D3D3D
"><e=3D3D3D3D
m>tone</em></span> in a communication as well as your interpretation of the=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m as the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></span>, is <span =
cl=3D
as=3D3D
s=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"emphasis"><em>experience</em></span>.</p><p>Experience is another one of t=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hose big, general, and at times confusing words. I define experience as the=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>collection of life experiences that s=
ha=3D
pe=3D3D
 y=3D3D3D
ou=3D3D3D3D
r decisions and your future</em></span>.</p><p>Of course, that definition c=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
an encompass a wide variety of things, but I break experience down into thr=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ee primary areas.</p><p>Firstly, we have <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><=
em=3D
>d=3D3D
om=3D3D3D
ai=3D3D3D3D
n</em></span> experience. This is experience of a particular profession, in=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dustry, or otherwise. It is important to note that domain experience is not=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 just having the skills but also the day to day practical experience of app=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lying those skills. An example of this could be domain experience of workin=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g as a games designer (having the skills to design a game but also working =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
day to day in the games industry and collaborating with other people on a g=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ame). As we discussed earlier, having just the skills without the practical=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 experience really only gives you part of the picture.</p><p>Secondly, ther=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e is <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>social</em></span> experience. Th=
is=3D
 i=3D3D
s =3D3D3D
li=3D3D3D3D
fe experience of working with others. This covers the experience of working=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 with different types of people, reading social cues, understanding how peo=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ple communicate in different situations, and being cognizant of your own pe=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rsonality traits.</p><p>Finally, we have <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><=
em=3D
>p=3D3D
ra=3D3D3D
ct=3D3D3D3D
ical</em></span> experience. This is experience of <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"e=
mp=3D
ha=3D3D
si=3D3D3D
s"=3D3D3D3D
><em>getting things done</em></span>. This includes how to work on projects=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, define deadlines, set work items, keep projects on track, manage expectat=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ions and more. This is often combined with <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"=
><=3D
em=3D3D
>d=3D3D3D
om=3D3D3D3D
ain</em></span> and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>social</em></span>=
 e=3D
xp=3D3D
er=3D3D3D
ie=3D3D3D3D
nce in terms of getting things done within a particular industry, professio=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n, or company.</p><p>Everyone who you communicate with will have different =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
levels of experience in these three areas. What can often happen is that a =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
communication that makes perfect sense to someone with more experience may =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
not jive with someone with less experience.</p><p>As an example, I work in =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the software industry. While I am no yoda when it comes to software, I have=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 been in the industry for a while and my experience has been formed from de=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
livering software and services with a wide range of needs from the CEO down=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to the people using the software. Am I an expert? I doubt it. Have I been =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
in the lions den of delivering software? Yes.</p><p>Over the years I have s=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
een a consistent pattern in the criticism of certain decisions often coming=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 from people who have never walked in the same shoes as the people making t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hose decisions.</p><p>As an example, I know one guy who is tremendously pas=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sionate about one of these software systems who is often very, very critica=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
l (and often quite rude) but doesn&#8217;t have either the domain or practi=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cal experience to understand the context of the decision. In other words, h=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is lack of practical experience in the industry has given him unrealistic e=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
xpectations based upon guesstimates. It isn&#8217;t his fault though, witho=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ut having that experience how is he supposed to see the context?</p><p>This=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 is a key benefit of experience =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D93 those wit=
hout e=3D
xperie=3D3D
nce of=3D3D3D
ten ju=3D3D3D3D
dge a situation based on the outer edges that are exposed. Experience teach=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
es us to look in-between those outer edges and see what is inside.</p><p>As=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 an example, someone new to playing the guitar knows that the goal is to pl=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ay the right notes at the right time. Someone who has been playing for year=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s knows that the skill is not in the notes you play, but the ones you don&#=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
8217;t, and the trick is delivering the notes with emotion as part of an ov=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
erall performance. Experience can only teach us these things as we explore =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
our craft, work with different people, and share and absorb new ideas.</p><=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p>Another key element of experience and one that particularly relates to co=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mmunication is that those with experience learn how to pick their battles.<=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
/p><p>When you are younger and more inexperienced, pretty much <span class=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>everything</em></span> is a battle. This is why t=
ee=3D
na=3D3D
ge=3D3D3D
rs=3D3D3D3D
 have a reputation for being argumentative. Many teenagers have not yet dev=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
eloped the experience to pick their battles to achieve what they really wan=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t and to also quit while they are ahead.</p><p>This aspect of experience is=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 visible in droves on the Internet. We often see people bickering left, rig=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ht, and center about minor details. Those with experience usually think &#8=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
220;this just isn&#8217;t worth it&#8221; much earlier in the debate than t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hose without experience.</p><p>As such, be sure to consider the experience =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of a person, particularly when assessing the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasi=
s"=3D
><=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
>s=3D3D3D3D
ender</em></span> in a communication.</p><p>Judge this wisely though. There=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 is no direct relationship between experience and status. There are many aw=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ful CEOs out there, and many amazing people on the bottom rung of life&#821=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
7;s ladder. Experience is judged by accomplishments and results, not what c=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ar they drive or what clothes they wear.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"note" sty=
le=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"ma=3D3D3D3D
rgin-left: 0.5in; margin-right: 0.5in;"><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title">Note</h=
3>=3D
<p=3D3D
>S=3D3D3D
om=3D3D3D3D
e of you may be wondering how you share experience and life lessons learned=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 with those who feel more experienced than they really are. It can indeed b=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e challenging to do this, but I recommend you engage with the person in a n=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
on-confrontational way and offer your feedback as a means of augmenting the=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ir experience, not telling them that they are wrong.</p><p>This approach pu=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ts you in the position of a mentor that not only helps that person learn an=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d grow, but also builds trust.</p></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1">=
<d=3D
iv=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D=
3D3D"c=3D
lear: =3D3D
both">=3D3D3D
<a id=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"psychogical_factors"></a>Psychological Factors</h2></div></div>=
</=3D
di=3D3D
v>=3D3D3D
<p=3D3D3D3D
>As I mentioned earlier, human beings are a lot more fragile than we might =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
like to admit. At the core of this fragility are our minds. Buried inside o=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ur brains are all manner of different factors that can influence not only h=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ow we communicate, but also how we solve problems, pursue our goals, and mo=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
re.</p><p>Now, before I get started, I want to make one thing very, very cl=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ear: I am not a doctor, psychologist, therapist or any other kind of medica=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
l professional. I am a community manager and author, so treat my words here=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 as one guy&#8217;s experience and considerations and not medical recommend=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ations or guidance. If you or someone you know is suffering from one or mor=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e of the issues here, I recommend they see a medical professional if you or=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 they see fit to.</p><p>OK, with that out of the way, let&#8217;s take a lo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ok at some of these psychological factors.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2">=
<d=3D
iv=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D=
3D3D"s=3D
tress"=3D3D
></a>S=3D3D3D
tress<=3D3D3D3D
/h3></div></div></div><p>At some point, every one of us deals with stress.<=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
/p><p>Stress is a feeling of tension and pressure that can be felt from a v=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ariety of different symptoms. This can include anxiety, eating issues, slee=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p problems, exhaustion, nervousness, sexual dysfunction, and more.</p><p>In=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 small doses stress can be good for us. It can get us out of our comfort zo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nes and get us to achieve more, but the key point here is &#8220;small dose=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s&#8221;. Longer term or more drastic cases of stress are really not health=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y at all.</p><p>The causes of stress can be numerous. In the academic world=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 stress is often judged on the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Social =
Re=3D
ad=3D3D
ju=3D3D3D
st=3D3D3D3D
ment Rating Scale</em></span> (SRRS) which maps a score to common causes. T=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
his can range from minor violations of the law that come in at 10 points, t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o pregnancy at 40 points, right up to death of a spouse at 100 points. Ther=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e are 43 different ratings on the scale, and when you add up the score it p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rovides a good indication of stress. A total score over 300 means a high ri=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sk of illness and a score closer to 150 means a slight risk of illness.</p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<p>The key point here is that different things stress us out in different w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ays and they combine together to have an overall impact on our physical and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 mental health.</p><p>The consequences of stress vary from person to person=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. Some people can privately suffer and never take their stress out on other=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s, but those people are rare. Most people share their stress with others in=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 three primary ways: irritability, nervousness, and insecurity.</p><p>These=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 issues often start with irritability. Someone may be impatient, angry, or =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
passive aggressive. Invariably they are aware of their irritability and thi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s often results in a sense of nervousness about how other people perceive t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
heir actions (the stress is often generated by career, financial, or family=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 worries). This then often results in insecurity, which in turn fuels furth=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
er irritability as well as defensiveness.</p><p>As such, always bear in min=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d that the person who is communicating with you may be having a really stre=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ssful time and they may not feel comfortable sharing with you (or even know=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 themselves) what those causes of their stress are, particularly if they do=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n&#8217;t know you on a personal level. They may be good people with good i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ntentions, but even good people have crappy days filled with stress.</p><p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
Unfortunately there is another form of stress that can have more dire conse=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
quences if not dealt with: <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>burnout</em=
><=3D
/s=3D3D
pa=3D3D3D
n>=3D3D3D3D
.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><d=
iv><=3D
div>=3D3D
<h3 =3D3D3D
clas=3D3D3D3D
s=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout"></a>Burnout</h3></div></div><=
/div=3D
><p>=3D3D
Burn=3D3D3D
out =3D3D3D3D
is a problem that affects all walks of life, interests, and professions, an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d it can be devilishly difficult to spot in people, particularly those you =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
don&#8217;t know very well.</p><p>Burnout is the series of often subtle cha=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nges in personality, perspective, values, and behavior that can generate un=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
told amounts of stress and both mental and physical discomfort. As these ch=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
anges progress they can be so subtle that they can be difficult to identify=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. Unfortunately, burnout is often misdiagnosed as irrationality, short temp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
erament, unusual behavior or lack of tolerance, and is often a source of an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ti-social communication.</p><p>Fortunately, there is a scale developed by t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
wo psychologists, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Herbert Freudenberge=
r<=3D
/e=3D3D
m>=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
span> and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Gail North</em></span>, that=
 i=3D
de=3D3D
nt=3D3D3D
if=3D3D3D3D
ies 12 stages of progressively worsening burnout, and the common symptoms. =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
This is known as the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>The Burnout Cycle=
</=3D
em=3D3D
><=3D3D3D
/s=3D3D3D3D
pan>.</p><p>These steps don=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D99t necessarily h=
appen =3D
in a s=3D3D
equent=3D3D3D
ial or=3D3D3D3D
der (it can vary from person to person), and some sufferers will skip some =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of the steps whereas some will dwell longer on them, but these steps offer =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a list of warning signs for potential burnout victims.</p><p>I wrote about =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the The Burnout Scale in my other book, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><e=
m>=3D
Th=3D3D
e =3D3D3D
Ar=3D3D3D3D
t of Community</em></span>, and I have presented it at a number of conferen=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ces. It has blown me away how much it resonates with people in terms of the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ir own psychology and that of their friends and colleagues.</p><p>I am goin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g to run through these stages one by one; they can be a useful set of indic=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ators for spotting burnout in yourself as well as others. Some of those ant=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
i-social communications may well be the burnout speaking and in those cases=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 it is better to be a friend than a foe.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><d=
iv=3D
 c=3D3D
la=3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D=
3D"bur=3D
nout_1=3D3D
"></a>=3D3D3D
Stage =3D3D3D3D
1. A compulsion to prove oneself</h4></div></div></div><p>Burnout typically=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 begins with a tendency to want to prove oneself. This often stems from a f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
eeling of insecurity that your work is not being respected or valued. When =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
this happens, the burnout sufferer often tries to compensate by trying to p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rove him or herself.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div class=3D3D3=
D3D3=3D
D"ti=3D3D
tlep=3D3D3D
age"=3D3D3D3D
><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout_2"></a>Stag=
e 2.=3D
 Wor=3D3D
king=3D3D3D
 har=3D3D3D3D
der</h4></div></div></div><p>Working long hours is a common sign of the fir=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
st stages of burnout. With an existing feeling that you need to prove yours=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
elf to others, a natural conclusion is that you work harder and provide mor=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e and more visible examples of your success to others. In these cases it is=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 not uncommon to stay late at work, progressively working later and later. =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
You often find yourself awake late at night, possibly working until two or =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
three o=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D99clock in the morning under the beli=
ef tha=3D
t more=3D3D
 hours=3D3D3D
 inves=3D3D3D3D
ted will make you feel better and prove your value.</p></div><div class=3D3=
D3=3D
D3=3D3D
D3=3D3D3D
D"=3D3D3D3D
sect3"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"titl=
e"><=3D
a id=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"burn=3D3D3D3D
out_3"></a>Stage 3. Neglecting your needs</h4></div></div></div><p>At this =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
stage, simple pleasures such as sleeping, eating, socializing with friends =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and watching Seinfeld are seen as just that: pleasures, and as such a distr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
action from work. Your desire to prove yourself is strong and your top prio=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rity is to find ways of working more and more. You find it easier and easie=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r to say no to people who want to spend time with you, and you find it easi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
er to find reasons to work.</p><p>Late nights and early mornings are common=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 and the lack of sleep results in an increased caffeine intake, tiredness. =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and irritability during the day. It is also likely that you are eating junk=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 food as it is quick and convenient and your tiredness makes cooking seem l=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ike more of a chore than it is.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div =
cl=3D
as=3D3D
s=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout_=
4"><=3D
/a>S=3D3D
tage=3D3D3D
 4. =3D3D3D3D
Displacement of conflicts </h4></div></div></div><p>Some friends and family=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 are likely noticing that something is up with you and may have even asked =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
what is wrong. In this earlier stage of the burnout cycle you are firmly of=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the belief that nothing is wrong and that friends and family are just bein=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g overly analytical. You shrug it off and suggest that you just have a lot =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
on your plate.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"=
titl=3D
epag=3D3D
e"><=3D3D3D
div>=3D3D3D3D
<div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout_5"></a>Stage 5. R=
evis=3D
ion =3D3D
of v=3D3D3D
alue=3D3D3D3D
s </h4></div></div></div><p>The obsession with work means that traditional =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
values such as friends or hobbies are pushed aside. Here your only evaluati=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
on of success is being good at what you do. This is a dangerous part of the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 cycle, as you are actively starting to distance yourself from your friends=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. You do not see social interactions and time with your family as things to=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 be proud of and rewarding parts of your life, but instead as continued dis=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tractions that get in the way of of the work you need to do.</p><p>You find=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 yourself making excuses to work more often. Evenings and weekends are take=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n up with work and your friends stop asking you to spend time with them bec=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ause you are always saying no.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div c=
la=3D
ss=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D3D
titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout_6=
"></=3D
a>St=3D3D
age =3D3D3D
6. D=3D3D3D3D
enial of emerging problems </h4></div></div></div><p>We can now see cynicis=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m, intolerance, and aggression often raising their ugly heads. Colleagues a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
re dismissed as idiots; your increasing problems are blamed on lack of time=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, incompetent coworkers, and unfair workloads. You are tired from the lack =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of sleep, you are probably pretty unhealthy from all the pizza and caffeine=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, and the pressure to prove yourself is causing you to feel sorry for yours=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
elf and that other people don=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D99t understand =
the pr=3D
essure=3D3D
 and s=3D3D3D
tress =3D3D3D3D
you are under.</p><p>You are increasingly lashing out and snapping at peopl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e, and find yourself causing arguments but struggle to apologize. Life is f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
eeling rather stressed at stage six.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3">=
<d=3D
iv=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D=
3D3D"b=3D
urnout=3D3D
_7"></=3D3D3D
a>Stag=3D3D3D3D
e 7. Withdrawal </h4></div></div></div><p>You reduce your social interactio=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n and contacts to a minimum and dial your work up to 11. You are at a point=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 where relief from the stress is becoming more and more important.</p><p>Yo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
u may start to relieve the stress by boozing more often during the week or =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
possibly even resorting to drugs. Whatever your choice of substance, you ap=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
pear to be indulging in it a little more than usual, and dangerously so.</p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><=
div>=3D
<h4 =3D3D
clas=3D3D3D
s=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout_8"></a>Stage 8. Obvious behavioral changes=
 <=3D
/h=3D3D
4>=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
div></div></div><p>Your strange and erratic behavior is obvious to your fri=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ends, family, and colleagues. You are not yourself, and your nearest and de=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
arest can see it a mile away.</p><p>You are even more physically exhausted =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and you are likely to be experiencing some health problems such as headache=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s, skin problems and low energy.</p><p>Your personal relationships are unde=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r a lot of pressure and you start to feel increasingly depressed, particula=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rly when you are alone at night.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div=
 c=3D
la=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D=
3D"bur=3D
nout_9=3D3D
"></a>=3D3D3D
Stage =3D3D3D3D
9. Depersonalization </h4></div></div></div><p>At this point you feel like =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
you offer no value to the world and lack confidence in what you could once =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
do.</p><p>Your life feels like one long series of mechanical and emotionles=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s functions. The previous desire to demonstrate your worth is decreasing; y=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ou just feel like you are going from one step to another.</p></div><div cla=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=
=3D3D3D3=3D
D3D"ti=3D3D
tle"><=3D3D3D
a id=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout_10"></a>Stage 10. Inner emptiness </h4></div></div></di=
v>=3D
<p=3D3D
>Y=3D3D3D
ou=3D3D3D3D
 feel an emphasized sense of emptiness. You resort more to booze or drugs o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r possibly find relief in overeating, strange and exaggerated sexual behavi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
or, or other unusual and destructive activities. You feel more and more dep=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ressed.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepa=
ge">=3D
<div=3D3D
><di=3D3D3D
v><h=3D3D3D3D
4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"burnout_11"></a>Stage 11. Seriou=
s de=3D
pres=3D3D
sion=3D3D3D
 </h=3D3D3D3D
4></div></div></div><p>You feel hopeless, lost, and exhausted, and see litt=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le cause for optimism for the future.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect3"=
><=3D
di=3D3D
v =3D3D3D
cl=3D3D3D3D
ass=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h4 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3=
D3D3D"=3D
burnou=3D3D
t_12">=3D3D3D
</a>St=3D3D3D3D
age 12. Burnout syndrome </h4></div></div></div><p>At this, the most seriou=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s level, you feel suicidal and desperate for a way out. You are on the verg=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e of mental and physical collapse and need medical attention.</p></div></di=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
v><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><=
h3 c=3D
lass=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"titl=3D3D3D3D
e"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"coping"></a>Coping With Stress and Burnout</h3></div></=
di=3D
v>=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
di=3D3D3D3D
v><p>After reading through all of this talk about stress and burnout, life =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
can seem a little bleak. Fortunately, stress and burnout can be resolved. R=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
emember, we are all susceptible to these issues, so we need to know how to =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
help ourselves deal with it as well as how to help others.</p><p>Unfortunat=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ely, there is no single recipe or secret formula for managing this. The bes=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t solution is to subscribe to one simple philosophy that has helped people =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
deal with stressful times with a great degree of success:</p><div class=3D3=
D3=3D
D3=3D3D
D3=3D3D3D
D"=3D3D3D3D
blockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>I got your back.</p=
><=3D
/b=3D3D
lo=3D3D3D
ck=3D3D3D3D
quote></div><p>Although it may seem outrageously simple, the easiest and mo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
st applicable method is to first develop a nose for the symptoms of stress =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and burnout and to then extend a personal hand of friendship to the suffere=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r. Having that sense of companionship through a tough time can really help =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
with burnout.</p><p>To detect the symptoms you should first read, reread, a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd then read again the 12 stages in The Burnout Cycle. This provides a core=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 set of knowledge for understanding the nature and causes of burnout. You s=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hould then keep a general eye out for these symptoms in others.</p><p>Speci=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
fically look for and be conscious of changes in behavior. If someone just &=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
#8220;doesn=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D99t seem herself,&#8221; she may =
be get=3D
ting b=3D3D
itten =3D3D3D
by bur=3D3D3D3D
nout. It is these changes in behavior that are the typical transition point=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s between the different stages of The burnout cycle.</p><p>If you suspect t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hat someone is getting burned out, just strike up a personal conversation a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd be entirely frank. Tell her that you noticed she has been a little diffe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rent recently and that you are concerned. Ask her if she is OK, and ask if =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
there is anything you can help with. In many cases the person will tell you=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 what is on their mind, what is stressing them out, and any problems they a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
re experiencing.</p><p>With overwork as a common cause of burnout, you shou=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ld also ask how she is coping with her workload and if there is anything yo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
u can do to ease it. This offer of help in itself can be a stress reliever=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D94it is a validation that someone is there t=
o help=3D
 her g=3D3D
et thr=3D3D3D
ough h=3D3D3D3D
er TODO list.</p><p>In terms of taking care of yourself, one of the most ef=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
fective methods of shackling up burnout is to get away from things and unwi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd. It is amazing how a small vacation can help someone decompress.</p><p>T=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
his happened to me when I felt I was burning out. I felt like I wasn=3D3D3D=
3D=3D
E2=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D99t myself and could feel how stressed and anxious I was. To deal =
wi=3D
th=3D3D
 t=3D3D3D
hi=3D3D3D3D
s, I went to Ireland for a long weekend to visit a friend. It is incredible=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 how those few days with a friendly face, getting out in the countryside, a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd getting away from a computer helped.</p><p>If you suspect you or someone=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 else is burning out, tell them to do the same and get away for a few days.=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 They will almost certainly claim they can&#8217;t or don&#8217;t need to, =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
but stand firm: it is for their own good, and they will thank you for it.</=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div>=
<div=3D
><h3=3D3D
 cla=3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"personality_problems"></a>Personality/S=
ocia=3D
l Pr=3D3D
oble=3D3D3D
ms</=3D3D3D3D
h3></div></div></div><p>Now, there are of course a slew of other potential =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
psychological factors that we could best describe as either personality pro=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
blems or medical disorders.</p><p>This could include issues such as depress=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion, narcissistic personality disorder, attention deficit disorder, obsessi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ve compulsive disorder, or something else.</p><p>I am not going to get into=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the details, symptoms, and causes of these areas for two reasons. Firstly,=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 I have a cursory knowledge of them compared to a professional, and secondl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y, as a result I would not want to steer you in the wrong direction.</p><p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
There is one important takeaway though, as with the previous factors we hav=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e discussed =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D93 the person at the other side =
of the=3D
 commu=3D3D
nicati=3D3D3D
on may=3D3D3D3D
 well be suffering from one or more of these issues. As such, when you see =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>disagreeable</em></span> or <span cl=
as=3D
s=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
3D"e=3D3D3D3D
mphasis"><em>unacceptable</em></span> comment from someone, there may be a =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
much bigger story going on behind the scenes than you may realize.</p></div=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><=
div>=3D
<h2 =3D3D
clas=3D3D3D
s=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"needs"></a>Needs</h2=
></d=3D
iv><=3D3D
/div=3D3D3D
></d=3D3D3D3D
iv><p>Before we wrap up this chapter, I want to highlight a few other key e=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lements that can affect someone&#8217;s style and approach to communication=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. These aspects don&#8217;t map to human ingredients; it relates to the und=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
erlying <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>needs</em></span> of a person.=
</=3D
p>=3D3D
<p=3D3D3D
>E=3D3D3D3D
veryone has needs that span beyond the core things we need to survive such =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
as food, water, and shelter. We also have needs in terms of human interacti=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
on. We all need a sense of validation and value, we need to feel we have in=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
formation about the things we care about, and we need to feel we can access=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the people who create and influence things we care about.</p><p>Let&#8217;=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s explore these needs next.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D=
3D3D=3D
3D"t=3D3D
itle=3D3D3D
page=3D3D3D3D
"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"validation"></a>Va=
lida=3D
tion=3D3D
</h3=3D3D3D
></d=3D3D3D3D
iv></div></div><p>Everyone needs to feel validation. That is, everyone need=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s to feel they are making forward progress, to feel like they are on the ri=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ght track, and to be reassured they are doing good things.</p><p>I don&#821=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
7;t care if you are a rock star, a CEO, a wrestler, a writer or anyone else=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, you need to feel that your contributions to the world resonate and make a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 difference in the areas you care about. Everyone needs this to different d=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
egrees and at different times in their lives.</p><p>In many cases good pare=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nts, managers, and friends provide the validation we need, but some people =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lack these re-assurances and don&#8217;t feel comfortable asking for them.<=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
/p><p>A lot of online conflict and criticism is often born out of people wr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
estling to feel a sense of validation. This often closely intersects with e=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
go; they desperately need validation and thus try to get it by using sensat=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ionalism and self-promotion. These folks often seek to achieve this by comm=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
unicating in a fairly anti-social and overtly aggressive manner to affirm a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
uthority to feel a sense of influence.</p><p>This reminds me of an individu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
al I know who has worked tirelessly to grow his Twitter follower-count, and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 whose content always smacks of self-promotion and puff pieces about his so=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
-called accomplishments. In reality he has contributed little other than se=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lf-aggrandizing efforts to continue to grow his tiny empire of one.</p><p>O=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ver the years he has caused a huge amount of drama and controversy by writi=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ng sensationalist pieces on his blog as click-bait (pieces designed to get =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
viewers and to earn ad revenue and readership figures). As you can imagine,=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 he has frustrated quite a few people while doing this.</p><p>I don&#8217;t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 hold any animosity towards him, though. He is doing all of this out of ins=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ecurity. He needs a sense of validation because he operates in a world of a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ccomplished people and he doesn&#8217;t have the sticking power to accompli=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sh similar things. His insecurity combined with his lack of social skills (=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
as we covered earlier) have been the driving forces for his approach. As su=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ch, I feel a sense of empathy with him which puts his comments in perspecti=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ve.</p><p>This is pretty common with a lot of people =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=
=3D3D3=3D
D3D93 =3D3D
their =3D3D3D
anti-s=3D3D3D3D
ocial behavior is often the result of an underlying set of pressures to mak=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e them feel more relevant or whole as a human being. Try to determine what =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
these pressures are in your commentators and it will help put a lot of thin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
gs in perspective.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3=
D3D"=3D
titl=3D3D
epag=3D3D3D
e"><=3D3D3D3D
div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"information"></a>Info=
rmat=3D
ion<=3D3D
/h3>=3D3D3D
</di=3D3D3D3D
v></div></div><p>The Ubuntu project that I work with is a global community =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that has always attracted press interest and headlines about the work of th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e community. In my capacity as community manager I have also become somethi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ng of a public representative of the project. As you may imagine, I get qui=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
te a bit of feedback from people, some good and some not so good.</p><p>The=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 company that employs me is Canonical, and at Canonical we drive much of th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e direction of Ubuntu. While the Ubuntu project is open, we hire a large nu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mber of people to work on the project and Canonical was started by the foun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
der of Ubuntu, so by definition Canonical is seen as a leader in the commun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ity.</p><p>One of the challenges that I have discovered over the years is t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hat people in a position of public interest are always privy to information=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 that their audience isn&#8217;t.</p><p>As an example, I know aspects of th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e bigger picture at Canonical, I know the people doing the work, I have wor=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ked long enough with the executive team that I know they can be trusted, an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d I know many of the common requirements that customers, vendors and others=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 need that help to guide our decision-making. In other words, my position a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd employment affords me information and context that our community members=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 don&#8217;t have.</p><p>Earlier we talked about how experience and age can=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 illuminate the bigger picture and people without the visibility of that pi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cture can often get frustrated, despite it not being your fault. Well, not =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
only is the absence of age and experience one factor, but the absence and d=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
esire for information can be a huge contributing force of anti-social condu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ct as well.</p><p>Recently I have seen both sides of this.</p><p>A while ba=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ck the Playstation 4 (PS4) was released. I went and bought one and I have b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
een getting into gaming. As part of this, I read various PS4 communities, b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
logs, Twitter feeds and more.</p><p>In my capacity as a PS4 fan I have a th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
irst for information. When I don&#8217;t get information about things I car=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e about I have enough context of working for a sizable software company to =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
know there are often good reasons why the information is not available, but=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 I still feel the frustration of not having it. For those PS4 fans who don&=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
#8217;t have that experience of working in software, it is just plain frust=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rating, hence a lot of angry commentary.</p><p>Conversely, I work for a com=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
pany that can&#8217;t always share information, so I understand how it feel=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s to be on the other side of the fence when I see frustrated comments. I un=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
derstand though the perfectly legitimate reason why the information can&#82=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
17;t be shared (e.g. partner NDAs).</p><p>So, always bear in mind that the =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
information and context you have may make your communications make perfect =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sense to you, but when that piece of the picture is missing to others, it m=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ight not make as much sense.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div cla=
ss=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"ti=3D3D3D3D
tlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"access"></a=
>Acc=3D
ess<=3D3D
/h3>=3D3D3D
</di=3D3D3D3D
v></div></div><p>Closely related to information is also a desire to have ac=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cess to the people who make decisions.</p><p>The expectations around access=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 are entirely different depending on the people involved.</p><p>As an examp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le, in the communities where I work today, there is a high level of expecta=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tion that people can get access to me. Everyone knows my email address and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
how to get in touch.</p><p>Access gets more complicated though for more pub=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lic figures where there needs to be a delicate balance between being access=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ible and the practicalities of managing a large audience. Even if you wante=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d to, it would be impossible to provide access to everyone.</p><p>One perso=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n who has experienced this first-hand is Mike Shinoda, founder of Grammy aw=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ard-winning rock band <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Linkin Park</em>=
</=3D
sp=3D3D
an=3D3D3D
>.=3D3D3D3D
 I talked to Mike about his experiences of being someone in a position of i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nfluence and how he has dealt with access. He shared:</p><div class=3D3D3D3=
D3=3D
D"=3D3D
bl=3D3D3D
oc=3D3D3D3D
kquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>I think what a lot of p=
eo=3D
pl=3D3D
e =3D3D3D
re=3D3D3D3D
ally want, regardless of what they&#8217;re saying, is to be engaged by the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 artist. They may try to get attention by saying something sweet, saying so=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mething nasty, or by appealing to another emotion (&#8220;it&#8217;s my bir=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
thday, retweet me&#8221; or &#8220;I just got in a car accident, a RT would=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 really pick me up&#8221;).  I only engage when it&#8217;s a positive, cons=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tructive, or funny thing.</p></blockquote></div><p>As you can see, everyone=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 has different expectations about how much access is available to them and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
how they go about gaining it. This expectation is often driven by visibilit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y; the more visible you are, the less access people feel they get to you, a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd in some cases the more creative they need to be to gain it.</p><p>While =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
some may expect you to be less accessible if you are more visible, unfortun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ately this can also cause some to assume that you care less about the &#822=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
0;common man and woman&#8221; and that you may be uninterested in their fee=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dback and ideas (due to all that fame you enjoy).</p><p>Over the years Mike=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 has been passionate about counteracting this view while fulfilling this ne=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed for access. He has though been cognizant that there will always be <span=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>disagreeable</em></span> and in some case <=
sp=3D
an=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</em></span> commentary:</p><div cl=
as=3D
s=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
3D"b=3D3D3D3D
lockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>When we started the =
ba=3D
nd=3D3D
, =3D3D3D
mo=3D3D3D3D
st people who came to our shows signed up to our mailing list with a name a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd physical address, because they didn&#8217;t have email yet. Since then, =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
we&#8217;ve seen our online activity and community move many places, from m=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
essage boards to MySpace and chat rooms to Facebook to Twitter and Instagra=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m and beyond. In each space, there are always people who want to get attent=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion by being the loudest and most negative. There are other people who are =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
simply young, immature, ignorant, or misinformed. I try to give them the be=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nefit of the doubt and treat them kindly, but when someone proves to be a n=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
egative person, I just picture them as whatever character that diffuses or =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
explains their comment.</p></blockquote></div><p>As Mike&#8217;s example de=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
monstrates, you can indeed strike the right balance of access, but it does =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
require the combination of rewarding respectful discussion and putting the =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
non-respectful commentary into perspective, as we discuss throughout this b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ook.</p></div><p>Before we move on, always bear in mind that visibility is =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
relative. While you may not be as well known as Mike Shinoda and Linkin Par=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
k, there may be people in your slice of the world who see you in a similarl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y visible way. The need for access affects all walks of life.</p></div></di=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
v><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div=
><h1=3D
 cla=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"ti=3D3D3D3D
tle"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"the_medium"></a>Chapter 4. The Medium</h1></div></div=
><=3D
/d=3D3D
iv=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
div class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><p><strong>Table of Contents</strong></p><dl clas=
s=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"toc=3D3D3D3D
"><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#anonymity">Anonymit=
y</a=3D
></s=3D3D
pan>=3D3D3D
</dt=3D3D3D3D
><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#cultural_social_norm=
s">C=3D
ultu=3D3D
ral =3D3D3D
and =3D3D3D3D
Social Norms</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3=
D3D3=3D
D"#r=3D3D
hyth=3D3D3D
m_an=3D3D3D3D
d_cadence">Rhythm and Cadence</a></span></dt></dl></div><p>Another importan=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t area that affects how we communicate is the medium we are using to commun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
icate in. That may be face-to-face discussions, phone, email, social media,=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 chat channels, sign language or anything else.</p><p>Now, it would be spec=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tacularly dull for most of you if I went through every medium one by one an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d explained how different bits of that medium contribute to how people comm=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
unicate. Instead I am going to run through the implications that span multi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ple mediums; this gets us to the good stuff much more quickly.</p><div clas=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D=
3D3D3D=3D
3D"tit=3D3D
le" st=3D3D3D
yle=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"anonymity"></a>Anonymity</h2></div></div></d=
iv=3D
><=3D3D
p>=3D3D3D
I =3D3D3D3D
am not the first person to note that the Internet can provide a blanket of =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
anonymity for many people. Many sites and services don&#8217;t require any =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
kind of formal identification, and it is easy to communicate with a nicknam=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e and register with a throwaway free email address.</p><p>Now, it would be =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
easy to presume that anonymity would be primarily the domain of people who =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
have something to hide or don&#8217;t want to be accountable for their acti=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ons. This isn&#8217;t always the case.</p><p>Sure, there are trolls and chi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ldish idiots who act under an anonymous identity, but there are also people=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 who have professional or sensitive careers they need to keep private (e.g.=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 security services, police, army) or are posting in an oppressive regime an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d want to protect themselves from their governments. There are also people =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
who don&#8217;t want to identify an aspect of who they are (e.g. some women=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 prefer to be anonymous to avoid unwanted or misogynistic attention from me=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n).</p><p>The primary impact that anonymity has on communications is <span =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>trust</em></span>.</p><p>When someone is usi=
ng=3D
 t=3D3D
he=3D3D3D
ir=3D3D3D3D
 real identity to contribute to a discussion, there is an implicit sense of=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 accountability; they are associating their words to their person. This imm=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ediately grows a base-line level of trust between the sender and receiver. =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
This base-line level of trust does not exist when the sender is anonymous.<=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
/p><p>Anonymity is not as simple as you might expect though, and there are =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
two levels of anonymity we should consider.</p><p>Firstly, some people use =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>ghost</em></span> identity. This is =
wh=3D
er=3D3D
e =3D3D3D
th=3D3D3D3D
ey use an anonymous identity that isn&#8217;t their name (e.g. &#8220;catlo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ver52&#8243; or something else) but use the same identity for their comment=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s every time. As such, there is a sense of accountability between their wor=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ds and an identity, but that identity is not tied to their actual person. T=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
his is quite common, particularly in reference to the career/social/regime =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
justifications that we just covered.</p><p>Secondly, people can use <span c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>throwaway</em></span> identities. This is whe=
re=3D
 t=3D3D
he=3D3D3D
y =3D3D3D3D
change their identity every time they post. In my experience this is typica=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lly because they don&#8217;t want a specific set of comments associated wit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
h their normal anonymous account, particularly in sensitive topics (e.g. if=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 they respond to a thread about legal/sexual/health issues), or don&#8217;t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 want any kind of accountability to anything they post online.</p><p>For th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e former of these two approaches, a ghost identity, it is very possible to =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
build trust. This trust takes time to develop over a period of time. It is =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
not too dissimilar to building trust with someone you don&#8217;t know; in =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that case the sender&#8217;s name (e.g. Joe Bloggs) is as equally unknown t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o you as catlover52 would be. While catlover52 doesn&#8217;t have the base-=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
line of trust that a real name has, trust can be developed nonetheless.</p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<p>For the latter, throwaway accounts, trust is impossible to develop as th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ere is no continuity of identity.</p><p>As such, when looking at anonymity =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
in a medium, don&#8217;t immediately presume that an anonymous account mean=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s that the person is up to no good; there may be compelling reasons for the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m to be anonymous, and there is a good opportunity to grow trust in the fut=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ure if their identity remains consistent.</p><p>Anonymity however can be a =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
sign of people who lack accountability, particularly with throwaway account=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s, so also consider this as a potential driving force for anti-social commu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nications.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titl=
epag=3D
e"><=3D3D
div>=3D3D3D
<div=3D3D3D3D
><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D=
"cultu=3D
ral_so=3D3D
cial_n=3D3D3D
orms">=3D3D3D3D
</a>Cultural and Social Norms</h2></div></div></div><p>Every medium has an =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
intrinsic set of cultural and social norms within it. Whether it is not inv=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ading someone&#8217;s personal space in a face-to-face setting or not using=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 all capital letters in an email, there are lots of subtle conventions.</p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<p>It is tempting to presume that people who don&#8217;t stick to these con=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ventions don&#8217;t know what they are talking about, or should be taken l=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ess seriously. In many cases people have great feedback, ideas, and thought=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s, but they just don&#8217;t know the intricacies of the medium.</p><p>For =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
example, a guy joined a user group that I formed some years back and procee=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ded to break every possible rule, social convention, and principle in the g=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
roup. He frustrated many, and as people tried to help him to understand his=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 mistakes and the problems he was causing, he reacted to their feedback in =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a rather juvenile and dismissive manner. This further demonstrated his lack=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 of knowledge of the cultural and social norms in the medium; he saw other =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
people as merely text on a screen as opposed to being real people.</p><p>As=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 such, before long some members of the group lit their torches and called f=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
or his ousting. As my email inbox filled up, so did the frustration of the =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
group.</p><p>Although there was little doubt that he was a frustrating forc=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e in an otherwise calm community, I had a hunch that inexperience of the me=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dium was the root cause of the problems and that he had the ability to chan=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ge. I reached out to him to get a better idea of his experience and it turn=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed out he was pretty new to online communities. I held strong with the wide=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r group, and encouraged patience among my fellow community members. Before =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
long, we started to see an improvement.</p><p>As the guy spent more time in=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the community he learned how it worked, began to take part in the culture =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
as opposed to questioning it, and eventually became one of the most profici=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ent and well-respected members. Today others look to him for advice and gui=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dance; it just took him a little while to get there.</p><p>Always remember =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that the cultural and social norms in a community can be difficult for some=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 people to detect (particularly if they lack social skills), so they may no=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t be operating from the benefit of that knowledge. This combined with other=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 elements we have already discussed such as experience, age, and anonymity =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
can seem like a cocktail of potential problems, but it may be a well-ground=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed person who hasn&#8217;t figured out the cultural norms yet and could ben=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
efit from some mentoring.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=
=3D3D=3D
3D3D=3D3D
3D"t=3D3D3D
itle=3D3D3D3D
page"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><=
a id=3D
=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"rh=3D3D3D
ythm_a=3D3D3D3D
nd_cadence"></a>Rhythm and Cadence</h2></div></div></div><p>Another importa=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nt consideration is the rhythm and cadence of a discussion and how the medi=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
um impacts that.</p><p>As an example, imagine you are in a face-to-face dis=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
cussion with someone and they give you some fairly direct criticism. You no=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
w wait 5 or 6 seconds before responding. That gap (and silence) would throw=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a really awkward pause into the discussion. The gap would be pretty notice=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
able, potentially giving the impression to the other person that their feed=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
back either really resonated with you or really upset you.</p><p>Now, in an=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 online chat conversation, a 5 or 6 second gap does not have the same effec=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t. Any number of things could have got in the way to cause the gap (dinner =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is ready, your connection is slow etc).</p><p>Likewise, in a face-to-face s=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
etting, a firehose of comments is pretty normal in a debate. Compare that t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o Twitter =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D93 anything more than four consecu=
tive t=3D
weets =3D3D
in a r=3D3D3D
ow wit=3D3D3D3D
hin the same minute can seem aggressive and pressuring.</p><p>Always try to=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 consider the social norms when it comes to cadence in each meeting. Again,=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 an unusual cadence combined with a lack of social skills could point to a =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lack of experience of communicating as opposed to someone deliberately tryi=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ng to be problematic. Try to get a handle on this before you incorrectly ju=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dge that someone may be a trouble-maker. Sometimes a little gentle guidance=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 about better methods of communicating with others (shared in a non-patroni=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
zing way) can help alleviate the situation.</p></div></div><div class=3D3D3=
D3=3D
D3=3D3D
D"=3D3D3D
ch=3D3D3D3D
apter"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h1 class=3D3D3D3D3D"titl=
e"><=3D
a id=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"rela=3D3D3D3D
tionships"></a>Chapter 5. Your Relationship With Others</h1></div></div></d=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
iv><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><p><strong>Table of Contents</strong></p><dl =
cl=3D
as=3D3D
s=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"toc"><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#influence">Infl=
uenc=3D
e an=3D3D
d wh=3D3D3D
y Pe=3D3D3D3D
ople Care</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D=
3D"#=3D
perc=3D3D
epti=3D3D3D
on">=3D3D3D3D
Perception vs. Reality</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a =
hr=3D
ef=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D3D
#fear">Fear and Paranoia</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><=
a =3D
hr=3D3D
ef=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"#patterns">Patterns and Reputation</a></span></dt><dt><span cla=
ss=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"se=3D3D3D3D
ct1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#ego">Ego</a></span></dt></dl></div><p>In the last =
tw=3D
o =3D3D
ch=3D3D3D
ap=3D3D3D3D
ters, we have explored how the ingredients that make us human and the mediu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m that we communicate in can affect our style, methods, and tone when commu=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nicating with others.</p><p>While these two areas are important, they funda=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mentally deal with our own attributes and our perception of the attributes =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
in a medium. Importantly though, what often really defines how we communica=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
te is not just personal attributes but the nature of our relationships with=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 other people.</p><p>You can think of the last two chapters as the foundati=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
onal pieces on what makes us human and how we use the communication mediums=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 available to us. In this chapter we will connect together the dots in how =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
we communicate with other people who also have those human ingredients and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
share the medium.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"tit=
lepa=3D
ge">=3D3D
<div=3D3D3D
><di=3D3D3D3D
v><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3=
D"infl=3D
uence"=3D3D
></a>I=3D3D3D
nfluen=3D3D3D3D
ce and why People Care</h2></div></div></div><p>People are social creatures=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. We start our lives in families, we are part of local communities, and we =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
often plug into wider communities on the Internet. Throughout our lives we =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
have peer groups, people who inspire us, and people who challenge us. Even =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the most ardent of independent thinkers is susceptible to influence from ot=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hers; they may not follow the norm in their community, but they sure as hel=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
l have a set of people who influence and inspire them.</p><p>As such, the i=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nfluence that we have on each other plays an important role in how we commu=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nicate.</p><p>Most people tend to associate influence with <span class=3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
3D=3D3D3D
"e=3D3D3D3D
mphasis"><em>inspiration</em></span>, and this is definitely part and parce=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
l of our daily lives. As an example, one of my biggest inspirations in life=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 is Nicko McBrain, who plays drums in Iron Maiden. His personality, his mus=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
icianship, his sense of humor, his drive&#8230;they all inspire me as a per=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
son, even outside of music.</p><p>In a similar manner, influence can have t=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he opposite impact. As an example, take a look at any political leader, be =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
it Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Winston Churchill, or anyone else. Those w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ith influence and power generate criticism at every turn because their crit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ics see their influence as a risk. This is why every leader of a country ma=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
kes certain people want to protest their actions, views, and policies, with=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 some going so far as to camp outside government offices in protest.</p><p>=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
Exactly the same inspirational and objectionable nature of influence happen=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s further down the social pyramid, and it is important that you understand =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
your own level of influence on the people who consume and follow your work =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
as well as how others influence you.</p><p>Let&#8217;s look at a few exampl=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
es.</p><p>Firstly, take a popular music star such as Justin Bieber. Everyth=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing Bieber does is judged under the spotlight of his influence; he is a hug=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ely successful, very visible artist who millions of young people and childr=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
en look up to. As such, when he steps out of line in an obnoxious but hardl=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y ground-shaking manner (such as having loud parties and annoying his neigh=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
bors), his level of influence means that people are often more critical tha=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n they need to be for fear of the example he sets to his audience, many of =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
which are young and impressionable.</p><p>In a similar but much more down-t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o-earth manner, and much more personally, in my work as the Ubuntu Communit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y Manager I have a level of influence in Canonical (the company behind Ubun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tu) and the community itself. Here my influence, while much smaller than Bi=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
eber&#8217;s, is more about what I can do to change and adjust a community =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that people care about. As such, my words and actions are put under the spo=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tlight; if someone believes I am good or bad for Ubuntu, their communicatio=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n with me or about me will be influenced by this.</p><p>In another example,=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 influence can come from those who don&#8217;t have leadership or power but=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 have a loud and very vocal voice. Take for example someone who responds to=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 every comment from a movie studio publisher with long, critical diatribes =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
about the faults of the studio. The commenter may not have any reputation o=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r leadership in the community or organization but the regularity of feedbac=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
k can influence people to get into heated debates with that person out of w=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
orry that other readers may believe them. This is the classic &#8220;I can&=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
#8217;t go to bed yet, people on the Internet are wrong and I need to corre=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ct them&#8221; scenario.</p><p>The key lesson here is that we need to under=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
stand how much real and practical influence we have, and the likely impact =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of that influence on people who consume our work. When we understand this w=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e can (a) tune our communications better, and (b) understand why some peopl=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e react the way they do. Let&#8217;s look at a few subtle aspects that affe=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ct influence.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"t=
itle=3D
page=3D3D
"><d=3D3D3D
iv><=3D3D3D3D
div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3=
D3D"pe=3D
rcepti=3D3D
on"></=3D3D3D
a>Perc=3D3D3D3D
eption vs. Reality</h2></div></div></div><p>There is a huge difference betw=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
een <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>perception</em></span> and <span c=
la=3D
ss=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D3D
emphasis"><em>reality</em></span>. You may have the very best of intentions=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 and the reality of what you do may reflect that, but if the perception is =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
different, the perception will often win out.</p><p>Take for example a vide=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o game publisher who releases a game that doesn&#8217;t work very well. Ima=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
gine there are two or three weeks of radio silence after the release as int=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ernally the publisher figures out how to respond. By the time the publisher=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 starts releasing fixes and resolving the issues the perception may be that=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the publisher doesn&#8217;t care about their customers. The publisher may =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
be channeling all of their resources in order to resolve the problems, with=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 everyone working late nights to get it fixed, but once the perception is s=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
et, it is difficult to shift it.</p><p>This happens <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"=
em=3D
ph=3D3D
as=3D3D3D
is=3D3D3D3D
"><em>all the time</em></span> when we communicate. Just go and look at any=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 YouTube video, online discussion, or newspaper; in many, many cases you wi=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ll see criticism that is entirely based upon perception as opposed to evide=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nce.</p><p>Earlier I mentioned how the gap of information between people in=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 positions of influence (e.g. a movie studio) and those who are not (e.g. a=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 fan) can cause anti-social conduct. This is particularly relevant here: if=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 someone&#8217;s perception of you is critical because they don&#8217;t hav=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e the information to demonstrate you are acting in good faith, it will only=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 grow that perception (particularly if that information is difficult or imp=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ossible to obtain).</p><p>My philosophy here has always been consistent: my=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 goal is not to prove that people are incorrect in their views or convince =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
them to agree with me. My goal is instead to ensure the flow of facts, redu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ce mis-information and maintain good conduct (i.e. stay classy and accounta=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ble). These actions will speak for themselves and slowly change the percept=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion of those who are critical. I recommend you use the same philosophy in y=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
our communications as well.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div clas=
s=3D
=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D=3D3D3D
"tit=3D3D3D3D
lepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"=
><a =3D
id=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D
fear">=3D3D3D3D
</a>Fear and Paranoia</h2></div></div></div><p>An unfortunate attribute of =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
influence is the role that <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>fear</em></=
sp=3D
an=3D3D
> =3D3D3D
pl=3D3D3D3D
ays. As discussed earlier, we have a range of insecurities and attributes t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hat affect our communication and if our perception of someone is negative (=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
often based on lack of information), the result of this can often be fear (=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
&#8220;oh my god, what are they going to do to screw us?&#8221;).</p><p>In =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
these cases, a vicious circle can develop. Fear may be the emotional result=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 of an inaccurate perception and lack of information, but the domino effect=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 of fear in people who feel vulnerable is <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis">=
<e=3D
m>=3D3D
pa=3D3D3D
ra=3D3D3D3D
noia</em></span>.</p><p>When paranoia sets in, every action of the influenc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
er is judged through an inaccurate and heavily distorted lens that they are=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 deliberately up to no good.</p><p>We can see this paranoia at work in many=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 different parts of the world. A common example here is the paranoia of the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 heavily entrenched political commentators in the large American media outl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ets. To a staunch Republican, the Democrats have an extreme liberal agenda =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
to make a bigger government who will take all of our money and give it to l=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
azy jobless yobs. To a staunch Democrat, the Republicans hate the poor and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
only care about making the rich richer and care more about big businesses t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
han helping the helpless. The reality is that neither of these positions ar=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e true as a general rule (both parties do have some whack-jobs though), but=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 paranoia and fear plays a large part in the narrative that the American pu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
blic is subjected to as either side tries to score points against each othe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r.</p><p>Fear and paranoia drives more of our discussion than you would exp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ect and the best anti-dote we have here is <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"=
><=3D
em=3D3D
>e=3D3D3D
vi=3D3D3D3D
dence</em></span>. Let evidence be your guide in how you assess people and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
situations, and bring clarity to their fear and paranoia with evidence as w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ell.</p><p>In these situations our goal is to build trust with the person w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ho is fearful. Help them to understand that your intentions are honorable b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y demonstrating it with evidence.</p><p>Of course, this will not sway the m=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ost paranoid of individuals (as they will mis-trust all evidence from certa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
in sources), but evidence will clearly demonstrate to the less-paranoid and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 other on-lookers that your conduct is honorable.</p></div><div class=3D3D3=
D3=3D
D3=3D3D
D"=3D3D3D
se=3D3D3D3D
ct1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"=
 sty=3D
le=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"=3D3D3D
clear:=3D3D3D3D
 both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"patterns"></a>Patterns and Reputation</h2></div></d=
iv=3D
><=3D3D
/d=3D3D3D
iv=3D3D3D3D
><p>When we started this journey I covered the four ingredients that are pr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
esent in every communication; <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</=
em=3D
><=3D3D
/s=3D3D3D
pa=3D3D3D3D
n>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>content</em></span>, <span class=
=3D3D3=3D
D3D3=3D3D
D"em=3D3D3D
phas=3D3D3D3D
is"><em>tone</em></span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>context<=
/e=3D
m>=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
sp=3D3D3D3D
an>.</p><p>The last of these, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>context<=
/e=3D
m>=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
sp=3D3D3D3D
an>, is important not only for determining factors that may add stress to a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 situation (e.g. jet-lag), but when we see patterns in context it can help =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
us to better assess the sender. We can also use this to our advantage in ou=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r own work.</p><p>Some time ago a contributor joined a community that I wor=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
k with and he started making great contributions. As time went on he starte=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d becoming increasingly picky and dismissive. He was quite inexperienced an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d young which added to these challenges, and his pattern of behavior became=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 consistent =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D93 write something controversial=
, have=3D
 a lon=3D3D
g deba=3D3D3D
te in =3D3D3D3D
the comments, period of silence, repeat.</p><p>For the first six months or =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
so the posts he made were so infrequent that the pattern didn&#8217;t form =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
for a while. Before long though, he started developing a reputation that he=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 was quite divisive. On one hand the small number of people who also shared=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 his critical views saw him as regularly bringing &#8220;honest&#8221; feed=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
back, and on the other hand some people thought he caused trouble unnecessa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rily. Either way, his pattern of behavior was well understood by his reader=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s.</p><p>Keep an eye open for these patterns with people who communicate wi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
th you. Understanding how patterns can tell a story about the sender and co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ntext of a communication is really helpful. When you know the sender is alw=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ays behaving a certain way and the context is part of that standard pattern=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, you know the person is not necessarily being all that objective.</p><p>Th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is is also an important justification for you to always demonstrate objecti=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ve, calm, collected, unemotional behavior; your pattern and reputation will=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 reflect this too.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"note" style=3D3D3D3D3D"margin-l=
eft:=3D
 0.5=3D3D
in; =3D3D3D
marg=3D3D3D3D
in-right: 0.5in;"><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title">Note</h3><p>Remember, differe=
nt=3D
 p=3D3D
eo=3D3D3D
pl=3D3D3D3D
e have different views on what behavior is considered acceptable and unacce=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ptable. If you feel like someone is acting anti-socially, I recommend you s=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hare your feedback with them. Don&#8217;t be brash and don&#8217;t be aggre=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ssive, but sometimes people simply don&#8217;t realize the way their behavi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
or is perceived and constructive feedback can often help find a better midd=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le ground.</p></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3=
D"ti=3D
tlep=3D3D
age"=3D3D3D
><di=3D3D3D3D
v><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D=
3D3D3D=3D
"ego">=3D3D
</a>Eg=3D3D3D
o</h2>=3D3D3D3D
</div></div></div><p>The final consideration when it comes to influence is =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>ego</em></span>.</p><p>Ego can be a su=
bt=3D
le=3D3D
 b=3D3D3D
ea=3D3D3D3D
st. In some cases people are very direct with their ego (&#8220;I sometimes=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 forget that people consider me to be such an intelligent and well written =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
world expert on this particular area&#8221;) or it can be more subtle (&#82=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
20;oh, I assumed I would get to speak at the conference due to my reputatio=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n and knowledge&#8221;).</p><p>Irrespective, ego is bad for people and for =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
communities. I have written at length elsewhere about ego and the risks ass=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ociated. I speak from personal experience&#8230;I started developing an ego=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 some years back, but fortunately I mainly kept it to myself, and my best f=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
riend helped me to course-correct. In a nutshell though, I thought I was a =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
bit of a big-shot. Ugh, I feel embarrassed just thinking about it, let alon=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e writing about it.</p><p>Here is the secret when it comes to ego: if you a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
re as good as you think you are, other people will tell others about you or=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 they will see it themselves. If you feel the need to tell others about how=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 good you are, this points to ego which often in turn points to insecuritie=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s that you are dealing with.</p><p>As I have gotten older I have discovered=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 that the people I (and many others) respect most are self-deprecating and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
humble. They are good people who are good at what they do, but they don&#82=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
17;t ram it down our throats.</p><p>My recommendations here are simple. Fir=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
stly, always look for ego in others as a driving force; it usually points t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o insecurity (see my comments earlier about <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis=
">=3D
<e=3D3D
m>=3D3D3D
va=3D3D3D3D
lidation</em></span> too). Secondly, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>d=
on=3D
&#=3D3D
82=3D3D3D
17=3D3D3D3D
;t become that person</em></span>. Be good at what you do and let your work=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 speak for itself. You don&#8217;t need to narrate your capabilities to oth=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ers.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"note" style=3D3D3D3D3D"margin-left: 0.5in; ma=
rgin=3D
-rig=3D3D
ht: =3D3D3D
0.5i=3D3D3D3D
n;"><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title">Note</h3><p>The point about insecurity bein=
g =3D
a =3D3D
co=3D3D3D
mm=3D3D3D3D
on cause of ego is also an opportunity. If you see ego in other people it c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
an be a good opportunity to reach out to them, gently share that you have n=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
oticed the ego, and ask if they are doing OK. Invariably the insecurity may=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 come out in the discussion and you can help re-assure them and give them c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
onfidence.</p></div></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><div class=
=3D3D3=3D
D3D3=3D3D
D"ti=3D3D3D
tlep=3D3D3D3D
age"><div><div><h1 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"code"></a>Chapt=
er 6=3D
. Cr=3D3D
eati=3D3D3D
ng o=3D3D3D3D
ur Code</h1></div></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><p><strong>Table o=
f =3D
Co=3D3D
nt=3D3D3D
en=3D3D3D3D
ts</strong></p><dl class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1">=
<a h=3D
ref=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
"#grou=3D3D3D3D
nded">Becoming Well Grounded</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect=
1"=3D
><=3D3D
a =3D3D3D
hr=3D3D3D3D
ef=3D3D3D3D3D"#accuracy">Accuracy</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D=
3D3D=3D
3D3D=3D3D
"sec=3D3D3D
t2">=3D3D3D3D
<a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#perspective">Keep Things in Perspective</a></span></dt>=
<d=3D
t>=3D3D
<s=3D3D3D
pa=3D3D3D3D
n class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#evidence">Let Evidence be You=
r Gu=3D
ide<=3D3D
/a><=3D3D3D
/spa=3D3D3D3D
n></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#read">Read Peo=
ple<=3D
/a><=3D3D
/spa=3D3D3D
n></=3D3D3D3D
dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#conduct"=
>Con=3D
duct=3D3D
</a>=3D3D3D
</sp=3D3D3D3D
an></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#class=
y">S=3D
tay =3D3D
Clas=3D3D3D
sy</=3D3D3D3D
a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#time">V=
alue=3D
 You=3D3D
r Ti=3D3D3D
me</=3D3D3D3D
a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3=
D"#r=3D
espo=3D3D
nsib=3D3D3D
ilit=3D3D3D3D
y">Responsibility</a></span></dt><dd><dl><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2">=
<a=3D
 h=3D3D
re=3D3D3D
f=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"#accountable">Be Accountable</a></span></dt><dt><span class=3D3=
D3D3=3D
D3D"=3D3D
sect=3D3D3D
2"><=3D3D3D3D
a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#empathy">Have Empathy</a></span></dt></dl></dd><dt><span=
 c=3D
la=3D3D
ss=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><a href=3D3D3D3D3D"#in_summary">In Summary</a></span></d=
t></=3D
dl><=3D3D
/div=3D3D3D
><p>=3D3D3D3D
At this point in our journey we know how to categorize communications (<spa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>agreeable</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3=
D3D"=3D
emph=3D3D
asis=3D3D3D
"><e=3D3D3D3D
m>disagreeable</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptab=
le=3D
</=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
/span>), determine which ingredients to assess in each communication (<span=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"=
emph=3D
asis=3D3D
"><e=3D3D3D
m>co=3D3D3D3D
ntent</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>tone</em></span>, <=
sp=3D
an=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>context</em></span>), and the different factors=
 t=3D
ha=3D3D
t =3D3D3D
in=3D3D3D3D
fluence those attributes (<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>human ingred=
ie=3D
nt=3D3D
s<=3D3D3D
/e=3D3D3D3D
m></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>the medium</em></span>, <sp=
an=3D
 c=3D3D
la=3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>relationships</em></span>).</p><p>In this chapter=
 w=3D
e =3D3D
ar=3D3D3D
e =3D3D3D3D
going to boil all of this knowledge down into a code that we will follow to=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 guide how we communicate with others. This code will become the foundation=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 on which our interaction with others is built.</p><p>This code is designed=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to keep us calm and collected and be able to interpret challenging and fie=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ry communications elegantly.</p><p>I have three important goals:</p><div cl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ass=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist"><ol class=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist" type=3D3D3D3D=
3D"1">=3D
<li cl=3D3D
ass=3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
3D"listi=3D3D3D3D
tem"><p>Help you to be able to process and deal with any kind of communicat=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion, irrespective of what it is or where it comes from.</p></li><li class=
=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Build a culture around you of receiving and respon=
di=3D
ng=3D3D
 t=3D3D3D
o =3D3D3D3D
quality feedback.</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Develop your re=
pu=3D
ta=3D3D
ti=3D3D3D
on=3D3D3D3D
 as a mature and well-grounded communicator with credibility in your field.=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
</p></li></ol></div><p>While many of you will have picked up this book to l=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
earn the first goal and mentally process and cope with challenging communic=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ations, we shouldn&#8217;t stop there. If we build a standard and quality o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
f communication for ourselves that rewards and respects high quality, polit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e, constructive discussion, we will by definition get a higher grade of fee=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
dback. Sure, there will always be trolls and haters, but we will demonstrat=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e responsiveness and accountability to others who show us the same respect =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
we show them.</p><p>Following the guidance in this chapter will help us wit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
h the latter of the two goals in particular; we will be calm, collected, ob=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
jective communicators.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3=
D"ti=3D
tlep=3D3D
age"=3D3D3D
><di=3D3D3D3D
v><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D=
3D3D3D=3D
"groun=3D3D
ded"><=3D3D3D
/a>Bec=3D3D3D3D
oming Well Grounded</h2></div></div></div><p>Achieving the goals we just co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
vered essentially boils down to being a sophisticated communicator. We want=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to ensure we assess situations with evidence and perspective, demonstrate =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
good, patient conduct, and take responsibility for our conduct and engageme=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nt.</p><p>As such, I have broken our code in this chapter down into these t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hree categories:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist"><ol class=3D3D3D3D3D=
"ord=3D
ered=3D3D
list=3D3D3D
" ty=3D3D3D3D
pe=3D3D3D3D3D"1"><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Accuracy =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3=
D3D3D80=3D
=3D3D3D3D93 w=3D3D
e always w=3D3D3D
ant to hav=3D3D3D3D
e informed opinions based upon evidence and assess our interactions with ot=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hers within the wider context of the world.</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"li=
st=3D
it=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
">=3D3D3D3D
<p>Conduct =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D93 our conduct should be calm, co=
llecte=3D
d, and=3D3D
 profe=3D3D3D
ssiona=3D3D3D3D
l, and we should know when is a good time to engage and disengage.</p></li>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Responsibility =3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3=
D3D3D93 =3D
we shoul=3D3D
d always=3D3D3D
 take re=3D3D3D3D
sponsibility for our words and actions.</p></li></ol></div><p>Let&#8217;s n=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ow go through each category and explore the different parts of our code tha=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t will help you to be a strong and sophisticated communicator.</p></div><di=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
v class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h2 cl=
ass=3D
=3D3D3D3D=3D3D
3D"tit=3D3D3D
le" st=3D3D3D3D
yle=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"accuracy"></a>Accuracy</h2></d=
iv><=3D
/div=3D3D
></d=3D3D3D
iv><=3D3D3D3D
p>The vast majority of conflict, disagreements, and arguments are based upo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n unrealistic and inaccurate views of the world.</p><p>There are many examp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
les here. As one such example, in politics many heavily partisan people can=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 often only see the benefits of their party and the failings in the opposit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion. Everything they see is seen through this heavily biased lens. When cha=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
llenged they fail to be independent in their assessment of the situation an=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d their cases are often built on presumption as opposed to evidence.</p><p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
This is a <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>terrible</em></span> way to =
do=3D
 t=3D3D
hi=3D3D3D
ng=3D3D3D3D
s and a pretty miserable way to live. Life is an incredible adventure fille=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d with wonderful people and ideas; to only see the world one way is like on=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ly ever tasting the same flavors as opposed to exploring a rich range of ta=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
stes and textures.</p><p>It is essential that we have an accurate and balan=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ced view of the people we are communicating with and the topics we are disc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ussing; this will ensure that our participation in these discussions is bas=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ed on what we see and not what would like to see. If we don&#8217;t get thi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s right, everything else is built on an unstable foundation.</p><p>There ar=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e some important rules that can guide our work.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"se=
ct=3D
2"=3D3D
><=3D3D3D
di=3D3D3D3D
v class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=
=3D3D3D3=3D
D3D"pe=3D3D
rspect=3D3D3D
ive"><=3D3D3D3D
/a>Keep Things in Perspective</h3></div></div></div><p>As we have discussed=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, there is no silver bullet for dealing with disrespectful, anti-social peo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ple. Fortunately though, there is a mind-set and ethos that you can subscri=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
be to that will significantly help resolve these issues.</p><p>Put simply, =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
this entire book is about <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>perspective<=
/e=3D
m>=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
sp=3D3D3D3D
an>. It is about the way in which we view the world, the people in it, and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
how they communicate with us.</p><p>Part of the problem we are solving here=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 is the natural human defense mechanism that kicks in when we see hurtful c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
omments. It is only natural to zone in on the criticism, prioritize it too =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
highly, and assume everyone thinks the same&#8230;as if there is some consp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
iracy where no one has told you how much of an asshole you really are.</p><=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p>The good news is that this isn&#8217;t true.</p><p>When we see hurtful co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mments we typically don&#8217;t see them within the context of the wider wo=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rld and our wider lives.</p><p>When we see these comments in perspective it=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 helps us to keep a more accurate view of people and their views on our wor=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
k. This helps us to prioritize good feedback from good people and not get d=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ragged down by the haters.</p><p>Getting things in perspective is as simple=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 as seeing that individual communication within the wider context of all th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e other communications and people you interact with. As an example, if you =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
receive 100 great pieces of feedback and one unpleasant one, it is likely t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he negative communication is not what most people think. Unfortunately, the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 defense mechanism we just talked about can quite easily have us ignore the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 99 great pieces of feedback as we zone in on the single negative one.</p><=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p>Flipping things around, in some situations you may get more feedback that=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 is unpleasant rather than positive. These are arguably the most challengin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g of situations, and it is these times more than ever when we need to balan=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ce all of the different ingredients we have covered thus far. Just because =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
it seems that everyone disagrees with you, it doesn&#8217;t necessarily mea=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n you are doing anything wrong; some of our greatest leaders have led in th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e face of unrelenting opposition. As usual, chart your path forward with gr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ace and respect for others, despite how challenging it can feel.</p><p>With=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 this in mind, this entire book is about helping you to develop this sense =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
of perspective. Our goal here is that when a communication comes in you can=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 file it in <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>agreeable</em></span>, <sp=
an=3D
 c=3D3D
la=3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>disagreeable</em></span>, or <span class=3D3D3D3D=
3D"e=3D
mpha=3D3D
sis"=3D3D3D
><em=3D3D3D3D
>unacceptable</em></span> based upon all the different <span class=3D3D3D3D=
3D=3D
"e=3D3D
mp=3D3D3D
ha=3D3D3D3D
sis"><em>human ingredients</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><e=
m>=3D
th=3D3D
e =3D3D3D
me=3D3D3D3D
dium</em></span>, and the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>relationship=
s<=3D
/e=3D3D
m>=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
span> we have already discussed. The code we are developing now is how we d=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o this. This will stop the barbs hurting when you realize that the barbs ar=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e often an anomaly.</p><p>We have made good progress and we have covered a =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lot of important ground already. I have to be honest though; this is a jour=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ney. This is not going to change for you overnight. It will take you some t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ime to learn how to mentally process communications and think laterally as =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
opposed to just letting your heart and gut tell you how to process things.<=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
/p><p>Don&#8217;t be surprised if this takes months or even years to master=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
. You may also find your pendulum swings too far some times and you may bec=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ome a little too resistant to the haters and not be able to process legitim=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ate, respectful criticism. This is part and parcel of mastering this and de=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
veloping perspective.</p><p>The good news is that you are on the right path=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 and we are going to rock this, my friend.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"s=
ec=3D
t2=3D3D
">=3D3D3D
<d=3D3D3D3D
iv class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=
=3D3D3D=3D
3D3D"e=3D3D
videnc=3D3D3D
e"></a=3D3D3D3D
>Let Evidence be Your Guide</h3></div></div></div><p>Most things are not as=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 simple as they seem. While the outer edges of a problem, disagreement, or =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
comment may seem simple, when we delve in further, we often find other elem=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ents that explain the mechanics of the situation much better.</p><p>We have=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 already explored this in previous chapters; those <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"e=
mp=3D
ha=3D3D
si=3D3D3D
s"=3D3D3D3D
><em>human ingredients</em></span> and factors that relate to the <span cla=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>medium</em></span> and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"e=
mpha=3D
sis"=3D3D
><em=3D3D3D
>rel=3D3D3D3D
ationships</em></span> all influence why people react the way they do. Ther=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e are many of these mechanics inside a situation. As such, it is important =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that we always focus on <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>evidence</em><=
/s=3D
pa=3D3D
n>=3D3D3D
 a=3D3D3D3D
nd not assumption when assessing these mechanics.</p><p>This is a common co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mponent in conflict resolution. As an example, a friend of ours came to vis=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
it one day and started complaining about her parents. She was living at hom=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e at the time and was convinced that her parents were both deliberately try=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing to control her, limit her freedom, and pick fights. This story was pres=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ented to us in a deeply emotional and frustrated tone and manner.</p><p>Whe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n I started asking questions about the different pieces in the story, it tu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rned out that the situation was really quite different. She had moved in wi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
th her parents in her late twenties, and was not paying for anything; rent,=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 food, bills, car etc.</p><p>When I asked about each individual incident it=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 became clear that her parents were expecting her to live within the crispl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y defined rules of their house, which they considered reasonable as she was=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a guest in their home and not contributing financially. When I challenged =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
her view that this was less about her parents playing games and more about =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
their desire for her to take responsibility, her mindset entirely shifted a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd she understood the position of her parents.</p><p>What happened beneath =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the covers here was that her frustration clouded her judgment. Instead of h=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
er judging each individual incident independently and objectively, her frus=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tration led her to see ill will in every move her parents made. As such, ev=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ery interaction was seen through a deeply negative lens.</p><p>Now to be cl=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ear, this is human nature. When we are frustrated we often tend to see the =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
world through this negative lens and often see conspiracy where none exists=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
.</p><p>We can train ourselves to be more objective, however. So, even in t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he most frustrating and annoying of scenarios try to look at the events and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 actions of others from an almost legally provable perspective =3D3D3D3DE2=
=3D3D=3D
3D3D=3D3D
80=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D93 do=3D3D3D3D
 you have externally verifiable proof and evidence that supports your inter=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
pretation? If you do, then so be it. If you don&#8217;t, then you may well =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
be resorting to unfair assumption and I promise you that this will bring co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mplexity and problems where you really don&#8217;t want them.</p></div><div=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 cla=
ss=3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D
D"titl=3D3D3D
e"><a =3D3D3D3D
id=3D3D3D3D3D"read"></a>Read People</h3></div></div></div><p>Before we go o=
n,=3D
 t=3D3D
he=3D3D3D
re=3D3D3D3D
 is an important point we need to cover: there is often a subtle difference=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 between very direct and focused communication and content that is anti-soc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ial. As part of being an <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>accurate</em>=
</=3D
sp=3D3D
an=3D3D3D
> =3D3D3D3D
communicator, we don&#8217;t want to jump to conclusions about the nature o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r intentions of someone.</p><p>It took me a while to really understand the =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
full scope of this, but everyone has their own style, approach, and assumpt=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ions when it comes to communicating with others.</p><p>A good example of th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is is when you go out to dinner with your friends. Some people will be more=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 active in the conversation, some will spend most of the evening listening,=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 and some will chip in when they feel the need to. Some people will be more=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 controversial and enjoy stoking the fire with edgy discussion topics. Ever=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
yone is different, and one key distinction is in how <span class=3D3D3D3D3D=
"e=3D
mp=3D3D
ha=3D3D3D
si=3D3D3D3D
s"><em>direct</em></span> some people can be.</p><p>This lesson came into v=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
iew some years back when I started working with a fellow employee. We were =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
due to have a meeting to discuss a project with a bunch of other people at =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
one of our offices. Everyone else showed up to the meeting on time and we p=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
atiently waited for this guy to arrive. We knew he was in the office, but h=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e must have been running late from another meeting or call or hit the bathr=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
oom.</p><p>He then came bustling into the room where we were already engage=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
d in a conversation as we waited and he completely interrupted everyone. He=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 sat down at the table, put his feet up, and then said &#8220;OK, let me te=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ll you what I need you all to do&#8221;. This was a guy who no one in the r=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
oom reported to, who played one role in a wider team project&#8230;a guy wh=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o seemed to be clearly laying down the law in an environment where he had n=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
either the social nor organizational authority to do so.</p><p>I sat there =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
gob-smacked. I couldn&#8217;t believe how brazen this guy was. I have alway=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s been a very direct and frank person in the way I work; I like to cut to t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
he point and get to the specifics of what we are going to do. This was not =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
direct, this more arrogant and egotistical.</p><p>Some years later, with a =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
solid body of trust and friendship clearly defined, I recounted the story t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o him while we were in a bar one evening and I shared with him how arrogant=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 I felt he was back then. When I told him this he said &#8220;sure, I know =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
some people think I am arrogant, but you know what&#8230;I get things done&=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
#8221;.</p><p>I have gone on to discover that the world is <span class=3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
3D=3D3D3D
"e=3D3D3D3D
mphasis"><em>full</em></span> of people like this; good people who are ofte=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n very effective at what they do, but they have no interest in small-talk, =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
no interest in democratically deciding how to achieve their goals, and are =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
not afraid to take control and rock the boat if needed. They just want to g=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
et on, do it, and get the outcome that they see in their minds.</p><p>When =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
you are assessing the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>sender</em></spa=
n>=3D
 i=3D3D
n =3D3D3D
a =3D3D3D3D
communication, try to be mindful that some folks are simply wired up this w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ay. While you may not particularly like that method of communication, this =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is no reason to let the style of the communication get in the way of the co=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ntent.</p><p>While I would advise you not to let this style of communicatin=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g with others frustrate and distract you, I would also recommend that you r=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
aise this as an issue with the person in question. In many cases people are=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 simply not self-aware enough to realize they are being anti-social or awkw=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ard to work with, and some politely delivered feedback can help them to get=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a better balance. What is most critical here is to not confront this with =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
passive aggression; thinly veiled jabs disguised as jokes and semi-confront=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ational language will neither solve the problem nor satiate your frustratio=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n.</p></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlep=
age"=3D
><di=3D3D
v><d=3D3D3D
iv><=3D3D3D3D
h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"c=
onduct=3D
"></a>=3D3D
Conduc=3D3D3D
t</h2>=3D3D3D3D
</div></div></div><p>When you started reading this book I shared the four i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ngredients that are present in every communication; the <span class=3D3D3D3=
D3=3D
D"=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
ph=3D3D3D3D
asis"><em>sender</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>content<=
/e=3D
m>=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
sp=3D3D3D3D
an>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>tone</em></span>, and <span class=
=3D
=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"=3D3D3D
emph=3D3D3D3D
asis"><em>context</em></span>. The way in which we engage with each of thes=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e four ingredients defines the quality of our conduct, and the quality of o=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ur conduct is the most important way in which others judge us on how we com=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
municate and perform our work.</p><p>It is as simple as this: most people s=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
imply don&#8217;t like people who demonstrate rude or condescending conduct=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 when they communicate. If you are aggressive (passive or otherwise), belit=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tling, or just simply act like a dick to other people, you will be on a fas=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t track to people questioning your credibility. You will not only lose resp=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ect but people won&#8217;t want to be around you.</p><p>For most people, de=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
monstrating good conduct is fairly straight-forward when others are being a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
greeable. It is easy to be nice to other nice people. The real challenge is=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 when others communicate in a <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>disagree=
ab=3D
le=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
em=3D3D3D3D
></span> or <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</em></span> m=
an=3D
ne=3D3D
r.=3D3D3D
 T=3D3D3D3D
his is usually when even those with the best standards of personal conduct =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
have their ugly alter-ego make an appearance.</p><p>As such, our goal here =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is to always stay a cut above the rest when it comes to our conduct. Fortun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ately, we have simple parts of our code that we can follow here to keep us =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
on the right track.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"t=
itle=3D
page=3D3D
"><d=3D3D3D
iv><=3D3D3D3D
div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"classy"></a>Stay Classy</h=
3></=3D
div>=3D3D
</di=3D3D3D
v></=3D3D3D3D
div><p>To help us with developing our perspective I have one important part=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 of our code for you to strive for in every single day of your life. This r=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ule can be applied both online or offline, with friends or colleagues, and =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
in any situation and any context. It will help with all three of our goals =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that we mentioned at the beginning of this chapter and will help you to gro=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
w as a person both in terms of handling feedback and growing your reputatio=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n with others.</p><p>So what is this majestic, diamond-encrusted, maximum-s=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
trength, part of our code? Well, it is simple.</p><p><span class=3D3D3D3D3D=
"e=3D
mp=3D3D
ha=3D3D3D
si=3D3D3D3D
s"><em>Stay classy</em></span>.</p><p>In every communication, debate, and c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
onflict scenario you engage in, you should <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"=
><=3D
em=3D3D
>s=3D3D3D
ta=3D3D3D3D
y classy</em></span>. Never lose your temper, never lose your cool, always =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
remain polite and respectful, and always be in control of your emotions and=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 your temper.</p><p>Time and time again history has taught us that the wors=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t things in life happen when we don&#8217;t stay classy. When we personaliz=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e situations, over-react, fly off the handle, or however else you want to d=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
escribe it&#8230;we lose control of the situation and either embarrassing a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nd/or undesirable consequences result.</p><p>Remember, getting angry and sh=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
outing at people is the easy way out. I am not here to share the easy way; =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
I am here to share the <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>right way</em><=
/s=3D
pa=3D3D
n>=3D3D3D
.<=3D3D3D3D
/p><p>Staying classy is not just about staying cool in testing situations. =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
It is also about not resorting to cheap shots, insults, and other tacky app=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
roaches to make your point or get one over your critic.</p><p>This reminds =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
me of a time when the company I work for was getting a lot of politically m=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
otivated criticism from one of our competitors. These individuals were turn=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing fairly innocent differences in viewpoints and strategy into controversi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
es designed to inflict injury on our work and community. These comments wer=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e often personally motivated and condescending.</p><p>It could have been te=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
mpting to retaliate in a similar manner and throw snarky criticisms, accusa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
tions and other nonsense in their direction, but I told my team I will abso=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lutely not tolerate this behavior with our competitors. We may have been th=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e target of what I considered pretty deplorable behavior at times, but that=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 was no justification for us to stoop to that level. I am proud that we stu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ck to our values of staying classy.</p><p>To be clear, our code here does n=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ot mean we should not hold people accountable for their actions. If you get=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 an <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</em></span> communica=
ti=3D
on=3D3D
 f=3D3D3D
ro=3D3D3D3D
m someone and you feel the right course of action is to report them formall=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
y, or take some other course of action, do so.</p><p>The key point here is =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that we react to situations with a cool head, put them in context, and alwa=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ys, always be polite, respectful, and step above any petty bickering. This =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
is about being the bigger person, not having the last word.</p><p>Staying c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
lassy is not easy for everyone. For most of us this is a journey. It will t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ake time to mentally develop not only the skill of staying classy, but also=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to demonstrate restraint and resist the urge to react in testing situation=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s. You will get there; practice makes perfect and every ounce of energy you=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 invest in this will serve you well in your future.</p><p>Of course, there =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
will be some mis-steps. You may go for a few months and then one person wil=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
l come out of no-where when you are jet-lagged and you tell them where they=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 can stick their opinions (spoiler alert: the sun still rarely, if ever shi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nes there).</p><p>Even in those situations we can stay classy. We hold ours=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
elves accountable for our actions, sincerely apologize and move on. Even wh=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
en we make mistakes we can stay classy in how we are accountable to our mis=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
takes, own them, and respond appropriately.</p></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"=
se=3D
ct=3D3D
2"=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=
=3D3D3=3D
D3D3D"=3D3D
time">=3D3D3D
</a>Va=3D3D3D3D
lue Your Time</h3></div></div></div><p>When it comes to discussions, debate=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s, and arguments, there are broadly three types of people in the world:</p>=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<div class=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist"><ol class=3D3D3D3D3D"orderedlist" type=
=3D3D3D3=3D
D3D"1"=3D3D
><li c=3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>People who are not interested in getting involved =
at=3D
 a=3D3D
ll=3D3D3D
.<=3D3D3D3D
/p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>People who participate in the dis=
cu=3D
ss=3D3D
io=3D3D3D
n =3D3D3D3D
until they feel all perspectives and viewpoints have been shared sufficient=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ly.</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>People who want to have the l=
as=3D
t =3D3D
wo=3D3D3D
rd=3D3D3D3D
.</p></li></ol></div><p>When we suddenly get embroiled in a discussion, deb=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ate, or argument, our goal is to be #2. Not getting involved in any discuss=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion (#1) has the down-side of not challenging our minds and getting us outs=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ide of our comfort zones. Demonstrating unparalleled devotion to win the de=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
bate/argument and have the last word (#3) is a waste of your and other peop=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le&#8217;s time.</p><p>Your time is valuable. It is a non-renewable resourc=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e that is constantly running out.</p><p>Here&#8217;s the secret: every deba=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
te and argument has a shelf life. It can only go on for so long until it st=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ops serving anyone&#8217;s purpose beyond the most devoted few who will fig=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ht for the last word. In almost every scenario the very people who entered =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the debate with an entrenched view will leave with the very same view. This=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 is because they are not interested in the exchange of ideas, they are inte=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rested in &#8220;winning&#8221;. These people are short-sighted and a waste=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 of your time.</p><p>As such, it is important that you are always consideri=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ng the cost of your time in getting wrapped up in these discussions. Each t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ime you are about to contribute to the debate, assess whether there is anyt=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hing new you are saying. If there isn&#8217;t, it is probably a good time t=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o bow out. When I press the eject button I usually say something such as:</=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><blockquote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote=
"><p=3D
>I t=3D3D
hink=3D3D3D
 we =3D3D3D3D
have discussed the topic in depth and we are very clear on each other&#8217=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
;s views. As such, I am bowing out of the debate and we can agree to disagr=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ee.</p></blockquote></div><p>This elegantly removes you from the debate whi=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le respecting the fact that other people have differing viewpoints.</p><p>N=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ow, in some scenarios someone will question the notion of agreeing to disag=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ree. This is just bait to bring you back in, so ignore it. In any case, if =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
they can&#8217;t agree to disagree, they are by definition unwilling to acc=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ept contrasting viewpoints and will be a waste of time and energy to debate=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 with anyway.</p></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D=
3D3D=3D
"tit=3D3D
lepa=3D3D3D
ge">=3D3D3D3D
<div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=
=3D3D3D3=3D
D3D"re=3D3D
sponsi=3D3D3D
bility=3D3D3D3D
"></a>Responsibility</h2></div></div></div><p>So far our code has centered =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
around being accurate and respectful communicators. The final, and possibly=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the most important set of values in a truly great communicator is <span cl=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ass=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>responsibility</em></span>.</p><p>Our words ar=
e =3D
po=3D3D
we=3D3D3D
rf=3D3D3D3D
ul. Within the magic mix of people and contexts, our words can inspire or h=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
urt within a moment. In the majority of societies we have free will to choo=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
se our words and as such we get to choose how others will hear, read, and i=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nterpret them.</p><p>Unfortunately, some people take a blunt approach to th=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
eir choice of words. This is beyond being direct and frank with a foundatio=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n of respect. They are of the view that the top priority is their right to =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
say what they want, with little or no consideration for the impact of those=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 words as soon as they have left their mouths or keyboards.</p><p>This is a=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
n immature and flawed perspective. Our words are a direct reflection on us =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and our views, principles, opinions, and ideas. If we choose to share those=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 views, principles, opinions, and ideas, we should be willing to be respons=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ible for the consequences of them.</p><p>Let&#8217;s look at some important=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 additions to our code for how we do this.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2">=
<d=3D
iv=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h3 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title"><a id=3D3D3D=
3D3D"a=3D
ccount=3D3D
able">=3D3D3D
</a>Be=3D3D3D3D
 Accountable</h3></div></div></div><p>A key contributing factor to being a =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
responsible communicator is to be accountable for your words and actions. I=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
t is important that we touch on this briefly as every so often I see a scen=
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ario play out that I find rather disappointing and I would hate for you to =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
be another casualty here.</p><p>It works like this: someone posts a topic t=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o their website, social media site or otherwise that is critical or controv=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ersial. This person can either be a community member, commentator, employee=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 or anyone else; it doesn=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D99t matter who the =
person=3D
 is.</=3D3D
p><p>A=3D3D3D
 serie=3D3D3D3D
s of comments are then posted in response from readers that are critical of=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 the post, thus challenging the author on their views. The author then eith=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
er deletes the post and comments or disables the comments based on the feed=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
back. In other words, a viewpoint is shared, an invitation for comment is p=
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=3D3D3D3D
rovided, but that invitation is then revoked when the author of the post is=
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=3D3D3D3D
 dissatisfied with the response from their readers.</p><p>I have seen this =
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happen countless times over the years and I strongly suggest against it.</p=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
><p>We should all be accountable for our words. Actions have consequences, =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and so do words.</p><p>As such, when I see someone openly share their thoug=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hts and invite their readers to provide comments, I see that as a wonderful=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 demonstration of accountability and engagement; debate is a beautiful thin=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
g when executed with politeness and respect. To then close that door, seemi=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ngly because people disagree with you, is in my mind the equivalent of walk=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ing out of a room in the middle of a debate. The excuse when folks are crit=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
icized of this behavior is typically:</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote">=
<b=3D
lo=3D3D
ck=3D3D3D
qu=3D3D3D3D
ote class=3D3D3D3D3D"blockquote"><p>It is my blog/page/site and I can run i=
t =3D
ho=3D3D
w =3D3D3D
I =3D3D3D3D
like.</p></blockquote></div><p>This is true: it <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emph=
as=3D
is=3D3D
">=3D3D3D
<e=3D3D3D3D
m>is</em></span> your blog/page/site, and you can run it how you like, but =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
the true measure of a person is not just in what they say, but also in the =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
conversation and discourse that follows.</p><p>Now, there are two very impo=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rtant caveats to my view here. Firstly, abusive, threatening, or otherwise =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
offensive content (<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</em></=
sp=3D
an=3D3D
> =3D3D3D
co=3D3D3D3D
mmunications) are perfect candidates for removal and banning the commentato=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r. We should never tolerate this. Secondly, I can understand the removal of=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a post if there is a legal requirement to do so. In the majority of cases =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
where I have seen posts removed or comments disabled though, it has been fo=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
r neither of these reasons.</p><p>Speaking personally, I have never, ever, =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
switched off comments on my posts or deleted posts. Even when the Internet =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
has seemingly come to get me, or when the press pick up on something and ar=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e critical, or when I have made a mistake and felt embarrassed at the outco=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
me&#8230;I have never switched off comments and never deleted a blog post. =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
This is because I feel I should be accountable for my words.</p><p>For me, =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
this is an ethical issue; in the same way I won=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3=
D3D99t=3D
 go an=3D3D
d re-w=3D3D3D
rite o=3D3D3D3D
r edit an article if I get criticism for it (outside of minor grammatical/s=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
pelling fixes). My articles and blog posts are time capsules of my thinking=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 at that point in my life. For me to go and edit them would be for me to re=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
write history. A blog is not a regularly updated record of your views (like=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 a book), it is a chronological diary of your views and progression as a pe=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
rson. Consequently, my blog is filled with moments from my past that don=3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
3D=3D3D3D
E2=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D99t reflect my views, experience, or ideas of today. So=
me o=3D
f th=3D3D
ose =3D3D3D
post=3D3D3D3D
s are even embarrassing. But you know what, those posts stay unchanged, and=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 I am proud that I have never compromised on this accountability.</p><p>So =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
with this in mind, I have a simple suggestion for those of you who run blog=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s/pages/sites: either switch your comments off entirely or always leave the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
m on, but don=3D3D3D3DE2=3D3D3D3D80=3D3D3D3D99t turn them off when you don=
=3D3D3D3D=3D
E2=3D3D3D3D8=3D3D
0=3D3D3D3D99t li=3D3D3D
ke the react=3D3D3D3D
ion from your audience. Polite and respectful debate helps us grow as human=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 beings, helps us evolve our ideas and perspectives, and makes us better pe=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ople. Let history be our record, not our edited version of history.</p></di=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
v><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect2"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><=
h3 c=3D
lass=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"titl=3D3D3D3D
e"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"empathy"></a>Have Empathy</h3></div></div></div><p>One =
of=3D
 t=3D3D
he=3D3D3D
 p=3D3D3D3D
rimary causes of pain and suffering in the world, be it something as heinou=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s as a violent crime or something as benign as a spat between friends, is a=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 lack of <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>empathy</em></span>.</p><p>Em=
pa=3D
th=3D3D
y =3D3D3D
is=3D3D3D3D
 simply the ability to share, preempt, and understand someone else&#8217;s =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
feelings and emotions. Empathy is a valuable attribute in human beings; it =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
stops us from pursuing a solely selfish path due to the consideration of ho=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
w our actions affect others.</p><p>Empathy is what makes us human. For most=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 people, the reason they would not murder someone is not because there is a=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 law that says they can&#8217;t do it, it is because they understand the pa=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
in and suffering that it would inflict not just on the person, but also on =
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
that person&#8217;s family, children, friends, and the local community.</p>=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<p>Empathy is what has bound civilization together for thousands of years, =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
and invariably our biggest problems in societies and cultures are those who=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 lack empathy and an understanding of what it feels like to be another pers=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
on.</p><p>We should strive to have empathy with others not only in terms of=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 how we read and interpret the views and perspectives of others, but also w=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hen we share our own views and opinions. There are going to be times in all=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 of our lives when we say things that hurt others, but we should always str=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ive to have empathy for others. This does not mean people can act however t=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hey like and empathy gives them a get-out-of-jail-free card; sometimes peop=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
le are being mean, but we should consciously make the empathy judgment call=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 anyway as opposed to merely assuming mean-spirited behavior.</p></div></di=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
v><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><=
h2 c=3D
lass=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D3D
D"titl=3D3D3D3D
e" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a id=3D3D3D3D3D"in_summary"></a>In Summar=
y</h=3D
2></=3D3D
div>=3D3D3D
</di=3D3D3D3D
v></div><p>In this chapter we have laid down what I consider to be the most=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 critical core guidelines that will help us to be an effective communicator=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, build a culture in which we reward good conduct, and to develop a reputat=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion as a grounded, respectful, capable communicator.</p><p>These are by no =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
means the only aspects of our code. Over the coming months and years you ar=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e going to find other values to live by that you can add to your code that =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
will help to guide you in your journey. Just being cognizant of a set of gu=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
idelines that define us as good people is a great start.</p></div></div><di=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
v class=3D3D3D3D3D"chapter"><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"titlepage"><div><div><h1 =
clas=3D
s=3D3D3D=3D3D
3D3D"t=3D3D3D
itle">=3D3D3D3D
<a id=3D3D3D3D3D"pulling_together_the_threads"></a>Chapter 7. Pulling Toget=
he=3D
r =3D3D
Th=3D3D3D
e =3D3D3D3D
Threads</h1></div></div></div><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><p><strong>Table o=
f =3D
Co=3D3D
nt=3D3D3D
en=3D3D3D3D
ts</strong></p><dl class=3D3D3D3D3D"toc"><dt><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1">=
<a h=3D
ref=3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D
"#onwa=3D3D3D3D
rds">Onwards and Upwards</a></span></dt></dl></div><p>When we started our j=
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ourney I mentioned that I wanted to keep this book fairly short and to the =
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=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
point. I think now is a good time to pull together the many different topic=
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=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s we have touched on to bring the overall picture into view.</p><p>This ent=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ire book is about understanding the driving forces behind why people commun=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
icate the way they do and crafting a code that we can use to manage those c=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ommunications and mentally categorize them.</p><p>It is about resisting the=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 urge to only read the words in a communication and instead see the differe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
nt pieces of the person to help keep things in perspective.</p><p>To do thi=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s we started out by reviewing the three different buckets of communications=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>agreeable</em></span>, <span class=
=3D3D3=3D
D3D3=3D3D
D"em=3D3D3D
phas=3D3D3D3D
is"><em>disagreeable</em></span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>=
un=3D
ac=3D3D
ce=3D3D3D
pt=3D3D3D3D
able</em></span>, and how they work, and then went on to discuss the four a=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ttributes in every communication, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>cont=
en=3D
t<=3D3D
/e=3D3D3D
m>=3D3D3D3D
</span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>tone</em></span>, <span class=
=3D
=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"=3D3D3D
emph=3D3D3D3D
asis"><em>sender</em></span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>cont=
ex=3D
t<=3D3D
/e=3D3D3D
m>=3D3D3D3D
</span>, that we evaluate to determine which bucket a communication goes in=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
.</p><p>With an understanding of how people tick as a core part of managing=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 communications with others, we next took a whistle-stop tour of the human =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
condition.</p><p>We first covered the many human ingredients that define wh=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
o we are as people, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>age</em></span>, <=
sp=3D
an=3D3D
 c=3D3D3D
la=3D3D3D3D
ss=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>gender</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emph=
asis=3D
"><e=3D3D
m>cu=3D3D3D
ltur=3D3D3D3D
al influences</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>social skil=
ls=3D
</=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
/span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>experience</em></span>; ea=
ch=3D
 o=3D3D
f =3D3D3D
wh=3D3D3D3D
ich plays a role in what defines us as people, our ideas, opinions, and per=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
spectives.</p><p>We then covered psychological factors such as <span class=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>stress</em></span> and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emp=
hasi=3D
s"><=3D3D
em>b=3D3D3D
urno=3D3D3D3D
ut</em></span> as well as the needs that all of us have; <span class=3D3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
"e=3D3D3D
mp=3D3D3D3D
hasis"><em>validation</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>inf=
or=3D
ma=3D3D
ti=3D3D3D
on=3D3D3D3D
</em></span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>access</em></span>.<=
/p=3D
><=3D3D
p>=3D3D3D
Ne=3D3D3D3D
xt we explored attributes that apply to the different media we communicate =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
in that influence our conduct and others&#8217; perception of our conduct; =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>anonymity</em></span>, <span class=3D3=
D3D3=3D
D3D"=3D3D
emph=3D3D3D
asis=3D3D3D3D
"><em>cultural and social norms</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasi=
s"=3D
><=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
>r=3D3D3D3D
hythm</em></span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>cadence</em></s=
pa=3D
n>=3D3D
.<=3D3D3D
/p=3D3D3D3D
><p>We rounded off our evaluation of the human condition with many of the t=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
hings that affect our relationships with others in the form of <span class=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>influence</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emp=
hasi=3D
s"><=3D3D
em>p=3D3D3D
erce=3D3D3D3D
ption vs. reality</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>fear</e=
m>=3D
</=3D3D
sp=3D3D3D
an=3D3D3D3D
>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>paranoia</em></span>, <span class=
=3D3D3=3D
D3D3=3D3D
D"em=3D3D3D
phas=3D3D3D3D
is"><em>patterns</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>reputati=
on=3D
</=3D3D
em=3D3D3D
><=3D3D3D3D
/span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>ego</em></span>.</p><p>At =
th=3D
is=3D3D
 p=3D3D3D
oi=3D3D3D3D
nt in our journey we had a good understanding of what makes people tick, mu=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ch of which can help us to break down and understand those four ingredients=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 in every communication (<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>content</em><=
/s=3D
pa=3D3D
n>=3D3D3D
, =3D3D3D3D
<span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>tone</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D=
3D"e=3D
mpha=3D3D
sis"=3D3D3D
><em=3D3D3D3D
>sender</em></span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>context</em><=
/s=3D
pa=3D3D
n>=3D3D3D
) =3D3D3D3D
that help us file communications in our three buckets (<span class=3D3D3D3D=
3D=3D
"e=3D3D
mp=3D3D3D
ha=3D3D3D3D
sis"><em>agreeable</em></span>, <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>disagr=
ee=3D
ab=3D3D
le=3D3D3D
</=3D3D3D3D
em></span>, and <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>unacceptable</em></spa=
n>=3D
).=3D3D
</=3D3D3D
p>=3D3D3D3D
<p>Finally, we defined a code that guides our conduct and how we deal with =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
anti-social and challenging people.</p><p>This included:</p><div class=3D3D=
3D=3D
3D=3D3D
3D=3D3D3D
"i=3D3D3D3D
temizedlist"><ul class=3D3D3D3D3D"itemizedlist" style=3D3D3D3D3D"list-style=
-typ=3D
e: d=3D3D
isc;=3D3D3D
 "><=3D3D3D3D
li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Accuracy</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"itemized=
list=3D
"><u=3D3D
l cl=3D3D3D
ass=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"itemizedlist" style=3D3D3D3D3D"list-style-type: circle; "><li c=
lass=3D
=3D3D3D3=3D3D
D3D"li=3D3D3D
stitem=3D3D3D3D
"><p>Keep Things In Perspective</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>L=
et=3D
 E=3D3D
vi=3D3D3D
de=3D3D3D3D
nce be Your Guide</p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Read People</p>=
</=3D
li=3D3D
><=3D3D3D
/u=3D3D3D3D
l></div></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Conduct</p><div class=3D3D3D=
3D3D=3D
"ite=3D3D
mize=3D3D3D
dlis=3D3D3D3D
t"><ul class=3D3D3D3D3D"itemizedlist" style=3D3D3D3D3D"list-style-type: cir=
cle;=3D
 "><=3D3D
li c=3D3D3D
lass=3D3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Stay Classy </p></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem=
"><p=3D
>Val=3D3D
ue Y=3D3D3D
our =3D3D3D3D
Time</p></li></ul></div></li><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Responsibili=
ty=3D
</=3D3D
p>=3D3D3D
<d=3D3D3D3D
iv class=3D3D3D3D3D"itemizedlist"><ul class=3D3D3D3D3D"itemizedlist" style=
=3D3D3D=3D
3D3D"l=3D3D
ist-st=3D3D3D
yle-ty=3D3D3D3D
pe: circle; "><li class=3D3D3D3D3D"listitem"><p>Be Accountable</p></li><li =
cl=3D
as=3D3D
s=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D3D=3D3D3D3D
"listitem"><p>Have Empathy</p></li></ul></div></li></ul></div><p>Our code i=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s what helps us to take all of these different ingredients in communication=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
s, people, and media and glue them together into a set of principles that h=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
elps us become sophisticated communicators and to handle any kind of situat=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ion that can be thrown at us.</p><div class=3D3D3D3D3D"sect1"><div class=3D=
3D3D=3D
3D3D=3D3D
"tit=3D3D3D
lepa=3D3D3D3D
ge"><div><div><h2 class=3D3D3D3D3D"title" style=3D3D3D3D3D"clear: both"><a =
id=3D
=3D3D3D3D3=3D3D
D"onwa=3D3D3D
rds"><=3D3D3D3D
/a>Onwards and Upwards</h2></div></div></div><p><span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emph=
as=3D
is=3D3D
">=3D3D3D
<e=3D3D3D3D
m>Most people are good people</em></span>.</p><p>I said this right at the b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
eginning of this book and I still have as much belief in people as ever. As=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 we have explored, when you strip away the computers, clothes, cars, modern=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 conveniences, TVs, game consoles and everything else&#8230;we are fragile =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
creatures with a core set of ingredients that influence how we think, how w=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e behave, and how we interact with others.</p><p>As I was going through my =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
own journey that led me to discover the topics covered here, understanding =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
these core principles was in a strange way <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"=
><=3D
em=3D3D
>r=3D3D3D
e-=3D3D3D3D
assuring</em></span>. For many years I was nervous that I was an overly opt=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
imistic guy who was some-what naive when it came to people. When others wer=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e quick to dismiss someone as an anti-social asshole, I found myself trying=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
 to understand why they behaved the way they did, as opposed to chastising =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
them for their behavior. I was worried that one day I would ultimately disc=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
over that most people are assholes and that my faith in people would be ero=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ded.</p><p>Thankfully I have discovered the opposite. Most people are good =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
people with dreams, ideas, and ambitions. People are creative and love to b=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
e inspired, love to be engaged, and have a natural sense for doing good. Pe=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ople want to belong and have meaningful relationships with others and feel =
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
a sense of accomplishment.</p><p>When the inverse of these good things happ=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
en and the animal in us rears its head, there are usually good reasons. I h=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ope <span class=3D3D3D3D3D"emphasis"><em>Dealing With Disrespect</em></span=
> =3D
ha=3D3D
s =3D3D3D
he=3D3D3D3D
lped to shine a light on some of these reasons to keep that sense of humani=
=3D
=3D3D
=3D3D3D
=3D3D3D3D
ty bright in your world too. Stay well.</p></div></div></div>
	               	</div><!-- /.entry -->

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